King Sized Roofies

Nic and Richard are going on a camping company camping trip. The room assignments are sent out and Nic and Richard are to share a king-sized bed. Co-workers make fun of Nic and Richard. While Nic and Richard don't care, [HR Manager] decides to split them up so people will stop making fun of them.

Nic: I wish we could have kept the king bed and just took turns sleeping in a tent outside.

Richard: I don't think a king bed will fit in my tent

Nic: Sounds like a personal problem to me.

Richard: Well, this is my cry for help.

Nic: You should try faking suicide.

Richard: I don't do that anymore every time I do I end up with a hospital bill I don't remember.

Nic: Same reason I don't go on dates anymore.

Inside of Nic's Head

The Scene: Nic and Richard are sitting outside at Sonic. One of the customers drives off and after they pass Nic bursts out laughing. Richard looks at Nic questioningly.

Nic: No... nothing...

Richard: ...

Nic: It's just... when you see an old man and a young kid riding together in a car... do you ever wonder if their bodies might have been switched?

Richard: Like Freaky Friday!!!

Nic: Exactly!

Living Aquatically

Richard: [Co-worker] just told everyone in my department that I love seahorses.

Nic: Maybe you should stop talking about them ALL THE F***ING TIME!

Bro-Love

Nic: Are you alright dude?

[Drummer]: Yeah, I'm fine.

Nic: Are you sure? Do you need a hug?

[Drummer]: No.

Nic: Do you need a bro-pat?

[Drummer]: No...

Nic: Oh...

Do you need a bro-kiss?

[Drummer]: NO!

Richard: Well maybe Nic wants one! Ever think of that?!

Nic: Yeah! Maybe I'm asking for a reason, [Drummer]!

God Hates Socialisim

[Co-Worker]: Did you hear that [Senator] died?

Nic: I don't know who that is. Was he a Texas Senator?

[Co-Worker]: No. He was a democrat. They're worried they're going to be one vote shy of passing socialized health care with him gone.

Nic: That's called divine intervention.

Richard: The same thing could be said about Michael Jackson.

Nic: He gets a vote in the Senate?

Richard: He should have!

Speechless

Nic: Did you notice that the doorbell has a sticker on top that says "This side down.”

Richard: Who told you to look at the top of the doorbell?!?!

Nic: Well, Nobody warned me not to!

Richard: Oh and I suppose no one has warned you not to put your head in a meat grinder either, have they?

Nic: As a matter of fact they haven’t. I’m just left on my own to discover these things!

Richard: It’s a good thing [Male Supervisor] keeps our meat grinder locked up.

Nic: Apparently I’m not the only one who hasn’t been told.

Richard: Maybe this is something you should discuss in your review.

Nic: Already had my review... with [Female Supervisor]...

Richard: I figured you’d tell me.

Nic: It was a waste of time.

Richard: So everything you imagined it to be?

Nic: And more. It was like 30 min to an hour long of me listening to her and when I would speak my mind she would either qualify it or justify it.

Richard: A SUCCESS!

Nic: But I didn’t know about the meat grinder otherwise it would have gone completely different.

Richard: .............. she IS the meat grinder.

Nic: *Projectile vomit.

Extended Family

E-mail between Richard and Nic

Richard:


Nic: Wow, you never think about sea creatures having those.

Richard: Families?

Nic: At least not such large ones.