Don't Talk to Strangers, part 1

The Scene: Richard and Nic went to the movies with two girls, one of their boyfriends, and his friend. We had not previously met either of these guys. We walk out of the movie theater and immediately the two college guys with us start yelling at some high school kids driving by in their truck. They do this because, "one of them gave me a look." The truck stops and the high school kids get out. A yelling fight ensues about who will beat up whom.

While this is happening Richard, Nic, and the girls decide they should go to a coffee shop. Richard and Nic don't know the way so they must follow the girls. They walk to Richard's car and drive to the front of the theater. The yelling match continues with no clear end in sight. Richard and Nic wait bored out of their minds. Nic makes a big show of eating his popcorn.

Idiot: You really want to start **** with us? We got two more college kids in this car. We will kick your *****!!!

[Richard rolls down the car window, waves at the high school kids and yells in a sweet almost melodic voice.]

Richard: We won't hurt you!

The Sinner Saint

Co-worker: Because I'm a saint!

Nic: Prove it.

Co-Worker: Ask anyone in the office, they'll tell you.

Nic: No they won't. Not because you're not a nice guy, but because saint is such a strong word. It's reserved for people like Mother Teresa.

Richard: And her son.

Nic: She doesn't have a son.

Richard: You sure about that? [points at Co-worker]

Nic: [wide-eyed] What did you do to Mother Teresa???

Co-worker: Excuse me???

Nic: Only God has the power to excuse you now!

The Void that Sucketh

Nic: So we have 16 posts, then like 12 drafts that are approved by both of us. Pretty soon we'll have our first month done.

Richard: Feel accomplished at all?

Nic: Is accomplishment sort of a hollow feeling?

Richard: Yeah but with those sucky fish on the inside, like on the walls of fish tanks, ensuring emptiness is maintained.

Nic: Then yes, I always feel accomplished.

Sometimes accomplishment makes me cry myself to sleep

[pause]

....sucky fish suck

Richard: suck suck suck suck suck suck suck suck suck suck suck suck suck suck suck suck suck suck suck suck suck suck suck suck suck suck suck suck suck suck suck suck suck suck suck.

Nic: I know that game... but I'm not falling for it again. Sure, it's starts off suck suck suck, but it always ends kill kill kill.

Richard: kill kill kill kill kill kill kill kill kill kill kill kill kill

Nic: [Sigh]... Well... I guess I better get busy transferring this to our blog...

Richard: You haven't already?

Always Be Prepared

Nic: Question:

When I'm not around you, do you feel empty?

Like life is meaningless and that there's no point to going on?

Richard: Why?

Nic: I'm asking everyone.

Richard: Why?

Nic: I'm making a list in order of preference of whose bunker I should live in after the Zombie Apocalypse.

So far you're at the bottom.

Befriending the Like-minded

The Scene: Richard and Nic are sitting in class separated by a girl sitting in between them. Richard tears a piece of paper and begins writing. Nic tries to hide his interest.

Richard: [Writes on the scrap paper] Dear girl... Hello, my name is Richard.

Girl: [Reads note and smiles while Nic tries to peek]

Richard: [Picks the paper back up and writes again] Would you like to be my friend?

Girl: [Reads note and writes response] Yes! My name is Tara.

Richard: [Emits obvious exhale of relief and writes response] I hate Nic.

Girl: [Giggles and writes response as Nic has more difficulty hiding his interest] Me too. Shhh!

Richard: [Reads note and writes response] Let's kill him.

Three Cheers for Genetics

Nic: Inaction = giving up

Friend: True.

Nic: I win!

Friend: What's with you and Richard "winning" all the time?

Nic: We're just really good at it.

Friend: But, what gives you the right always to win?

Nic: Genetics.

Relationship Drama

Nic: So, did you make out with Brian's friend?

Richard: No, but I made it clear to her that I'm funnier than him.

Dodging Friends and Making Bullets

Richard: [Girl] is asking for your screen name. I haven't told her I'm telling you, so this is your chance to opt out.

Nic: umm...

I guess that's one more person to talk to throughout the day

Richard: Is that a go?

Nic: It's a hesitant go.

Richard: I'll give you a minute to think it over.

Nic: Well, what do you think, Richard? You know us both. Am I going to enjoy talking to her or will she be annoying?

Richard: I think she's pretty laid back to chat with. She doesn't require you to chat.

Nic: Okay. Do it.

Richard: Plus, she likes to laugh which is nice.

Nic: Mostly cause I'm not interested in turning down prospective friends.

I'm leaving work in 15 minutes, so I'll accept her invite just before I leave so as to postpone the awkwardness of her suddenly being on my chat.

...Not because I hate women and want them to die.

[Several minutes later]

Richard: So funny story...

She was asking for [Friend]'s email.

Nic: Thank God!

Richard: And Jesus.

Nic: Definitely don't give Him my e-mail.

It May Be Hereditary

The Scene: One of Richard and Nic's friends is playing a show at a local coffee house. They go with some friends to hear him perform. He plays a ukulele for much of the show.

Richard: His guitar is so small.

Nic: I heard he was born with it like that.

Richard: [Richard turns and looks directly at Nic and speaks in a stern tone] Where's your God now?

Love and Women

Nic: You have any suggestion on Love and Women?

The post, not the concept.

Richard: I was gonna say, I think the concept is fictitious.

Nic: I agree, but the post is real... er... as real as any other electrical impulse stored on a magnetic disk.

The Timeliness of Offspring

Nic: [Singing "Turn Around" by Nirvana]

Up up up and down
Turn turn turn around
Round round round about
and over again.
Gun gun son of a gun
You are the only one--

Richard: Son of a what?

Nic: Son of a gun.

Richard: Son of a what?

Nic: Son of a b****?

Richard: That's right but it's no reason to swear.

Personal Validation Please!

Nic: There's this person in my office, who isn't me, who suddenly started yelling "I'M FUNNY AIN'T I! I'M FUNNY AIN'T I!"

And, it wasn't me.

Richard: Really?

Nic: It wasn't me.

Richard: ...was it you?

Nic: Haven't you been paying attention at all?!?!

Pockets With Purpose

Richard: [Gives Nic a thumbs up]

Nic: THUMBS!!!

Richard: Yeah, I grew them this weekend.

I needed some way to hang my hands from my pockets.

How to Keep a Secret Identity.

Richard: Anything interesting happen today?

Nic: I had to explain to [Coworker] that I couldn't make force fields.

And, that's all I'm going to tell you about it.

Gasbag

Richard: Hugs are for insecure, fragile saps.

Nic: I like hugs.

Richard: Me too.

Nic: From women.

Richard: Yes.

It's a Wonderful Life

Nic: Life is beautiful.

Richard: What?

Nic: Hmm?

Richard: Did you just say life is beautiful?

Nic: Nope.

Richard: Good cause it's not.

Nic: Heh, yeah... psh, totally not, like the opposite.

Richard: It's not!

Nic: I know dude! Geez!

Richard: Alright then.

Nic: *sigh*

Life is wonderful

Richard: What?

Nic: Hmm?

Raising Meat Awareness

Nic: So [co-worker] told me today that "fish isn't meat."

Richard: I see he's not falling for the lies either.

Nic: We should make him a T-shirt.

Richard: That says, "I don't have rabies."

Nic: Let's not make assumptions.

Richard: You're right: "It is unclear whether or not I have rabies."

Popularity

The Scene: Richard and Nic are eating lunch and a co-worker walks into the break room who invited them to lunch the prior day. The co-worker had previously asked Richard what he wanted for lunch and he said bread, meat, and water. This day Richard is making peanut butter and jelly sandwiches for his lunch while Nic is eating a frozen dinner.

Co-worker: Where's the meat?

Richard: [Holds up sandwich and points to it] It's peanut butter and jelly. There is no meat.

Co-worker: You said you wanted bread, meat, and water.

Richard: That was yesterday. I don't have water today either.

Co-worker: [Glares at Richard] You're so cool right now.

[Co-worker leaves the room as Richard and Nic continue eating lunch.]

Richard: [Finishes chewing and turns to Nic] I'm not really that cool.

Nic: She made some good points though.

Hard Work part 2

Richard: I'm now chewing 10 pieces of Bazooka gum.

Nic: Haha. Why?

Richard: What kind of question is that?

No Child Left Behind

Nic: It's just, I'm getting older and more mature and feel like I should be doing something more with my life.

Richard: Have you ever considered going to pharmacy school?

Nic: School is for women and babies!!!

Communal Mastication

Nic: Are you coming to lunch with us?

Richard: I suppose I'm in.

Nic: Well, don't let me twist your arm.

Richard: Good because I have a lot of hair and it would burn like a natively born American.

Nic: Who died and made you funny?

Richard: Please don't bait me for sacrilegious jokes.

Hard Work part 1

Richard: A co-worker brought a bag of candy today. I'm currently chewing at least 6 sticks of Bazooka gum. I'm getting a little tired from it.

Nic: You're probably just losing the flavor. You should add a new one.

Richard: I'm on 7 now.

(a few minutes later)

Richard: I'm so tired. I'm going to have to take a break from chewing.

Nic: You are weak, and I will now attempt to destroy you with my mind!

(a few minutes later)

Richard: How's that destruction thing coming?

Nic: I'm getting tired. I may need to take a break.