God Hates Socialisim

[Co-Worker]: Did you hear that [Senator] died?

Nic: I don't know who that is. Was he a Texas Senator?

[Co-Worker]: No. He was a democrat. They're worried they're going to be one vote shy of passing socialized health care with him gone.

Nic: That's called divine intervention.

Richard: The same thing could be said about Michael Jackson.

Nic: He gets a vote in the Senate?

Richard: He should have!

Speechless

Nic: Did you notice that the doorbell has a sticker on top that says "This side down.”

Richard: Who told you to look at the top of the doorbell?!?!

Nic: Well, Nobody warned me not to!

Richard: Oh and I suppose no one has warned you not to put your head in a meat grinder either, have they?

Nic: As a matter of fact they haven’t. I’m just left on my own to discover these things!

Richard: It’s a good thing [Male Supervisor] keeps our meat grinder locked up.

Nic: Apparently I’m not the only one who hasn’t been told.

Richard: Maybe this is something you should discuss in your review.

Nic: Already had my review... with [Female Supervisor]...

Richard: I figured you’d tell me.

Nic: It was a waste of time.

Richard: So everything you imagined it to be?

Nic: And more. It was like 30 min to an hour long of me listening to her and when I would speak my mind she would either qualify it or justify it.

Richard: A SUCCESS!

Nic: But I didn’t know about the meat grinder otherwise it would have gone completely different.

Richard: .............. she IS the meat grinder.

Nic: *Projectile vomit.

Extended Family

E-mail between Richard and Nic

Richard:


Nic: Wow, you never think about sea creatures having those.

Richard: Families?

Nic: At least not such large ones.

Federal Bureau of Magic Investigation

Emails between Richard and Nic:

Nic: [This message is made entirely out of overpowering rage.]

Richard: Accepted.

Nic: [This message is made entirely out of overwhelming pride.]

Richard: Denied.

Nic: [This message is made entirely out of magic.]

Richard: Message being retained for further investigation.

Phobias

Nic and Richard's HR manager took them and another co-worker to lunch because their birthdays are in the same month.

HR Manager: [To Nic] I'm surprised the girls in training haven't scared you off yet.

Nic: I ain't scared of no girls!

Richard: [Looks at Nic shocked]

Nic: [To Richard] I mean I AM scared of girls...

Richard: [Stops looking shocked]

The Navy

Nic: A bug just fell from the ceiling and landed in the middle of my keyboard. It freaked me out.

Richard: We heard it.

Nic: I've never heard a bug scream before. That's what freaked me out so much!

Richard: That was a bug?! We thought it was your naval!

Nic: I WISH it was my naval!!!

Richard: Yeah, it was a rather impressive scream.

Nic: If anyone asks about it, tell them it was my naval.

Richard: Done.

Name That Context

Nic: So what do you guys want to do?

Richard: Oh! We could..... no..... we're too tall for that.

Remembering the Scantron

Nic: What would you do with yourself if you were Amish?

Richard: Make furniture.

Nic: As long as you have a plan.

Richard: Wait, I had options? Why wasn't this multiple choice?

Frozen Pizza

The Scene: An ice cream truck drives by Richard and Nic as they sit at a red light.

Nic: ICE CREAM!

Richard: Oh man!!!

Nic: (Said very quickly and excitedly.) Ice cream! It's ice cream! Pizza! No, it's ice cream! I think it's pizza! Ice cream! Ice Cream truck! Pizza! That was ice cream! It had ice cream on the side! And Pizza! It's a pizza truck! I think that was ice cream! (Looks at Richard for confirmation.)

Richard: (Sits silently looking at the traffic light.)

DDF (Distance Distortion Factor)

Nic: Dude, you need to listen to this band. They opened for Tool last night and they were awesome!

Richard: Who were they?

Nic: Tweak Bird. There are 2 of them--a guitarist and a drummer. The drummer is really dramatic. And they always sing together in these weird voices that sound like folky Japanese girls. I thought they were Japanese at the show.

Richard: You got a crush on the drummer didn't you.

Nic: Of course I did! I mean a talented chick drummer with showmanship? It was like losing my virginity but better! Then I got home and found out they were both men and I felt confused, ashamed, and desperately lonely.

Then it was exactly like losing my virginity...

Making Sense of Darwin

Nic: What's that saying about every time you sneeze, a fairy dies?

Richard: I think that's "Every time you masturbate, God kills a kitten."

Nic: Oh... I think... I might have killed a lot of kittens.

Richard: Survival of the fittest, dude.

Self-Improvement

Nic: I'm going to Canada!!!

Richard: Is that the one with the… what do they have?

Nic: Ellen Page?

Richard: Beats me.

Nic: How dare you accuse her of that.

Richard: Caresses me.

Nic: NOOO! Take it back!!!

Richard: Performs mathematical equations with ease.

Nic: Mmmmm... I love her.

Richard: Typical.

Nic: That I’m in love or that I only love her because she is unattainable?

Richard: Mostly the first.

Nic: How can I resist easily solving mathematical equations?

Richard: Oh, now you love equations, too?

Nic: You can’t love a concept, Richard. Unless that concept is a movie star.

Richard: Now you’re putting restrictions on my love?

Nic: Masturbation is not love...

Richard: True, but we're talking about the love OF masturbation.

Nic: That's called self-improvement.

Respect vs. Money

Richard: A book in Oprah's book club should get me rich.

Nic: But not respected.

Richard: Worth it!

Only Time Will Tell

Nic: Mario just referred to himself as Super Mario.

Richard: Give him a gold star.

Nic: I feel like invincibility is the wrong way to go with him.

Richard: I’m sorry you two don’t agree. Mario loves handing out gold stars because he loves everyone the same.

Nic: I’m just not sure if he’s the right guy to give the power to kill things by bumping into them.

Richard: Oh, I suppose you’d give it to Luigi.

Nic: LUIGI’S TWICE THE MAN MARIO IS!!!

Lacking Maternal Instinct

Nic: So, last night I went to bed at 11 PM. As I was getting into bed, I went to my computer desk to get my cell phone. It wasn't there. I start looking around for it. After 15 minutes I gave up, assuming it fell out of my pocket in your car. So, I began to look through boxes to find my alarm clock. I gave up around 11:45 PM. Then I realized… I left my phone at the studio.

Richard: Not only did you leave your phone at the studio, [Bassist], [Drummer], and I saw you leave it and grabbed it and ripped it into three pieces and ate it.

Nic: Really, that makes sense... how it was there in one piece when I went to get it at midnight.

Richard: Lots of laxatives and tiny tools for reassembly.

Nic: I did see three hookers on our street. [Drummer] would have loved them. He also would have contracted AIDS and died.

Richard: Were the hookers killing their customers after giving them AIDS?

Nic: I don’t know. I left after their customers got AIDS. It wasn't interesting after that. AIDS is kind of the climax of entertainment.

Richard: You’ve obviously never witnessed hooker post-sex rage.

Nic: I thought that was pacified by an offering of money.

Richard: You don’t seriously believe that, do you?

Nic: That’s the legend that’s been passed down by movies and television. I guess that’s just Hollywood for you. I just thought if anyone knew hookers, it would be Hollywood.

Richard: Hollywood does know hookers. It’s true. It’s all true.

Nic: I KNEW IT!!! YOU WERE RIGHT, MOM!!!

Richard: For the last time, I’m not your mom.

Nic: It hurts every time you say that.

Richard: I’m not your mom.

Muffins of Fire!

Nic: So, I just asked [girl] how many hot single girls she's bringing to the show and she responded, “I hate girls. I'm not going.” I’m so confused.

Richard: Can she at least give them directions?

Nic: But what she said is not a response to what I said.

Richard: Fine, just get their numbers and I’ll call them.

Nic: But… but… what you’re saying isn’t a response to what I’m saying…

Richard: Are you gay?

Nic: I think you made a mistake.

Richard: I’m not the one who is avoiding getting these girls to the show.

Nic: Sorry, I have naturally high avoidance... and testosterone. Combined with my logic and ninja skills I’m a dangerous little sugar muffin.

Richard: Correction: avoidance TO testosterone.

Nic: You’re playing with fire.

Richard: Because you’re a flaming homosexual, sugar muffin.