Turtle Power

Email from Richard:




Response from Nic:

The Beginning of the End

Richard: Do you want to post anything today?

Nic: No.

Richard: Me neither.

Nature's Call

Emails sent between Nic and Richard during work.

Nic:
FOUND IT!!!

Richard: Gooood boooy! What'd you find there, boy?

Nic:

IT'S A STICK!!!

Richard: Where'd you find it?

Nic:

THE FOREST OF MY SOUL!!!

Richard: What soul?

Nic:

THIS SOUL!!!!

Richard: The leaves?

Nic:

I LOVE NATURE!!!

Richard: I never knew you were so eco-friendly

Nic:

I CALL UPON MAGIC!!!

Richard: Why are you wearing a tie?

The Grammar and the Logic

The Scene: Nic came back to work after being gone for a week to Coachella and found that Richard and [coworker] had sent him close to 100 emails of random pictures. So Nic messages Richard.

Nic: Yeah, so I had over 70 emails in my inbox when from this last week.

Richard: I think you left a word out of your sentence and I think it was closer to 100.

Nic: No I totally meant "when from" your just not reading it with correct grammar.

Richard: Similar to your misuse in that last sentence.

Nic: Seriously dude, get over it.

Richard: I don't understand.

[a few minutes later]

Nic: I'm depressed that I came back.

Richard: Try degrading me with your grammar some more.

Nic: How is it degrading to you when you make fun of my grammar?

How about this, I'll stop hurting you with my grammar if you stop hurting me with your logic.

Richard: Deal!

Both In Unison: Sucker!!!

Inexorable Inquiry #20

How much would you pay for us to stop asking you questions?

Time Flies

Richard: So you're a werewolf, eh?

Nic: Apparently... that's what I've been told at least.

Richard: I'll have you warned I'm a werewolf hunter and part-time vampire, usually for kids parties and stuff…

Nic: Dang… that’s my main feeding ground…

Richard: We could create a mass scheme where you eat half the kids and I pretend to kill you for a reward and we split half the reward money….

Nic: Where do I sign?

Richard: I'll get the contract ready. I think this is the start of a brilliant company…

Nic: I’ll sign it in blood, other peoples’ of course. What self-respecting werewolf would sign with his own blood? ha ha ha... *sigh*

We should get together and work on the act.

Richard: Sounds good. We just have to fit this into our already busy ghost busting schedule…

Nic: Man, where DOES the time go!

Richard: Who knows… who knows...

Inexorable Inquiry #19

Who would win in a fight between a Steven Hawking and a wormhole?

101 Steps to Asking Out the Girl of Your Dreams

Nic: The important thing to remember is I spoke to [girl Nic likes] last night. I got her e-mail.

Richard: Did you give her flowers?

Nic: No. But I focused all my magical power into making her love me.

Richard: How did that go?

Nic: She asked if I was constipated.

Concern = step 1

Richard: Step 2 = pull doorknob out of butt.

Nic: Step 3 = stop crying

Richard: Step 4 = seek help to stop crying

Nic: Step 5 = learn to live with crying

Richard: Step 6 = pick up sticks

Nic: Step 7 = go to heaven

Richard: Step 8 = don’t be late

Nic: Step 9 = go blind

Richard: Step 10 = stop masturbating in hopes of regaining sight… like a big fat hen

Nic: Step 11 = go to heaven

Richard: Step 12 = kill the elves

Nic: Step 13 = die alone

Richard: Step 14 = find crayons

Nic: Step 15 = eat crayons in an attempt to make myself beautiful on the inside

Richard: Step 16 = contract colitis (not to be confused with IBS)

Nic: Step 17 = tell everyone you have IBS

Richard: Step 18 = bleed from anus

Nic: Step 19 = “YAAAYYY!!” continue dancing.

Richard: Step 20 = bleed profusely from anus

Nic: Step 21 = repeat step 19

Richard: Step 22 = shine your shoes

Nic: Step 23 = drink pee

Richard: Step 24 = pee pee

Nic: Step 25 = become angry

Richard: Step 26 = express anger by crying

Nic: Step 27 = become angry with emotions.

Richard: Step 28 = surprise robot attack!!!

Nic: Step 29 = buy a robot costume and act casual

Richard: Step 30 = cry robot tears

Nic: Step 31 = learn to cry in binary

Richard: Step 32 = kill humans

Nic: Step 33 = give up on love

Richard: Step 34 = manufacture synthetic love

Nic: Step 35 = sell it at inflated prices

Richard: Step 36 = feel left out and try to buy back synthetic love

Nic: Step 37 = be disappointed it didn’t live up to the hype

Richard: Step 38 = regurgitate

Nic: Step 39 = become an alcoholic

Richard: Step 40 = start band

Nic: Step 41 = WIN!

Richard: Step 42 = become insecure about WIN!

Nic: Step 43 = question everything you ever believed

Richard: Step 44 = WIN AGAIN!!

Nic: Step 45 = realize you peaked early in life.

Richard: Step 46 = try to kill self but fail b/c of robot suit

Nic: Step 47 = buy a dog

Richard: Step 48 = name dog

Nic: Step 49 = turn dog into a robot

Richard: Step 50 = spend every day in fear that robot dog will turn into evil robot dog

Nic: Step 51 = surgically extract emotions to eliminate fear

Richard: Step 52 = manufacture synthetic emotions

Nic: Step 53 = sell at inflated prices

Richard: Step 54 = feel left out and try to buy back synthetic emotions

Nic: Step 55 = fail to buy back synthetic emotions

Richard: Step 56 = pick up more sticks

Nic: Step 57 = put them in a jar with the surgically removed emotions

Richard: Step 58 = shake jar vigorously

Nic: Step 59 = use

Richard: Step 60 = endure intervention to get help

Nic: Step 61 = go to rehab

Richard: Step 62 = remove jar from anus

Nic: Step 63 = bleed from anus

Richard: Step 64 = “YAAAYYY!!” continue dancing.

Nic: Step 65 = go to hospital

Richard: Step 66 = ask to speak with God

Nic: Step 67 = get rejected

Richard: Step 68 = put money in collection tray

Nic: Step 69 = get accepted

Richard: Step 70 = start fake college

Nic: Step 71 = get reported for fraud

Richard: Step 72 = make movie about it

Nic: Step 73 = learn an important life lesson

Richard: 74 = write and market book about important life lesson

Nic: 75 = dedicate book to Jesus

Richard: 76 = petition to ban book

Nic: 77 = start book burning club

Richard: 78 = read letter from publisher stating they print everything on flame-retardant products

Nic: 79 = laugh at the word retardant

Richard: 80 = pee pants a little while laughing

Nic: 81 = ignore pee and make degrading comments about gay retarded ants

Richard: 82 = receive call from civil rights activists regarding comments about gay retarded ants

Nic: 83 = ignore call from civil rights activists regarding comments about gay retarded ants.

Richard: 84 = receive letter from civil rights activists inviting me to join their anti-gay retarded ants club.

Nic: 85= send death threats to anti-gay retarded ants club

Richard: 86 = run outside to catch ice cream truck

Nic: 87 = knock little kids out of the way

Richard: 88 = jump on kids who fall

Nic: 89 = remember what happiness is

Richard: 90 = document ways to prevent others from acquiring happiness

Nic: 91 = come up with a cool super-villain name

Richard: 92 = hire spandex expert to design costume

Nic: 93= start work on doomsday device

Richard: 94 = hire dumb but adorable mouse for sidekick

Nic: 95 = name him Pinky

Richard: 96 = write theme song

Nic: 97 = wire costume for sound in order to play theme song constantly

Richard: 98 = discover weakness for dancing during battle

Nic: 99 = turn weakness into a new career (possibly through “Dancing with the Stars”)

Richard: 100 = explode

Nic: 101 = ask out [girl Nic likes]

Inexorable Inquiry #18

If I asked you a trick question what would your answer be?

Insecure Shoes

Richard: ...Then I took him out to my car, made him sit in the passenger seat, and I smashed his face into the dash.

Nic: I just booked you on Oprah.

Richard: Sweet. Maybe they’ll let us play a song.

Nic: Maybe they'll hate it

Richard: Maybe that will help us.

Nic: Maybe it will hurt us.

Richard: Maybe we can blog about it.

Nic: Maybe they will hate that.

Richard: Maybe we'll slap some hoes.

Nic: Maybe I'll fall in love with a unicorn.

Richard: Faggot!

Nic: I SAID MAYBE!!!

Richard: I didn't.

Nic: Your self-assured certainty hurts my post-modern insecurities.

Crap... you're going to call me a faggot again aren't you...

Richard: All in due time.

[5 hours later, Nic is standing in the parking lot talking to [co-worker]. Richard gets in his car and drives by yelling out the car window]

Richard: Nice shoes FAGGOT!!!

Inexorable Inquiry #17

If you had a super power what would it be and how would you abuse it?

He Meant Oprah

Nic: [co-worker] and [coworker] are talking about the easiest routes to get to the stadium for the game. I asked if they have tried teleportation…

Apparently that didn’t warrant a response.

Richard: They’re upset they didn’t think of it. Not that they didn’t think of it first, but simply that they didn’t think of it at all.

Nic: It’s the simplest solutions that people seem to miss.

Richard: Like bashing your woman’s face into the dash of your car in public.

Nic: Or apologizing on Opera for it.

Richard: Like with Pavarotti?

Nic: Oh I don’t know, I’m not really into pasta.

Richard: Well, let me tell you what I’ve been hearing…. Pasta’s way into you.

Nic: I know. And I’m starting to feel smothered. I mean I can only take so much cheesiness.

Richard: Maybe it wouldn’t be so bad if you’d stop storing it in your orifices.

Nic: Where the hell else am I supposed to put it???

Richard: It’s not that there are better places, you just need to clean it out and stop letting it build up.

Nic: It's affecting my love life.

Richard: No it's not.

Inexorable Inquiry #16

Who here is a vegetarian and why do you hate yourself?

Black X-ray Vision Sunglasses

Nic: He had to be high.

Richard: For someone high, he wasn't very friendly.

Nic: Yeah, that's why I don't think it was marijuana.

Richard: Who takes drugs that turn you into a dick?

Nic: Lots of people

Richard: It was a trick question.

Nic: I see through your tricks.

Richard: Much like I view your soul.

Nic: What soul?

Richard: Exactly.

Inexorable Inquiry #15

Realistically speaking, will a zombie ever have a shot at becoming President of the United States?

Pots

Nic: I have two big pots.

Richard: Is that a euphemism?

Nic: No.

Richard: Why not?

Nic: Because then it would be a lie.

Inexorable Inquiry #14

Would it be wrong (hypothetically) to eat Mr. Potato head?

Grease Monkey

The Scene: Richard has been cooking deer steak and didn't shower before attending a presentation. He walks in late and grabs a seat beside Nic.

Nic: Did you just come from Long John Silver's?

Richard: No, I just finished cooking deer steaks.

Nic: I could tell.

Richard: Then why did you ask if I just came from Long John Silver's?

Inexorable Inquiry #13

Is having a Mr. Potato Head as a child the same as playing God?

Numerology

The Scene: Richard, Nic, and two of their friends go to a restaurant. One friend stays outside to finish smoking.

Hostess: How many?

Richard: Four.

Hostess: Are you sure? Let's try this again. [She points to one of us and begins counting] One... two...

Richard: Four!

I'm so bad at this.

Friend: What's going on?

Nic: Richard can't count.

Richard: I told you people would notice.

[Other friend dies of lung cancer.]

Inexorable Inquiry #12

Does Mr. Potato Head have a soul? If so, can it be rearranged?

It Comes with Age

The Scene: Nic, Richard, and a friend are walking in Wal-mart. Nic is wearing brown pants and a white t-shirt. Richard is wearing jeans with holes in them and an old T-shirt. Friend is wearing jeans a black shirt and a checkered tie. When an old lady in a wheel chair stops in front of them.

Old Lady: Excuse me is the Night manager around?

[Nic, Richard, and Friend look at each other confused]

Old Lady: Do you guys work here?

Nic: No. We're REGULAR depressed people.

Inexorable Inquiry #11

How many inanimate objects does it take to screw in a light bulb?

Imaginations Drive Wild

The Scene: Richard and Nic are at work. Richard is looking at an address on Google street view. He's looking for something specific further down the road so he's clicking the forward button on the street over and over again. Nic sees Richard doing this and wheels his chair beside him. He looks over Richard's shoulder.

Nic: Vroom, Vroom, Vroom, schreeeeeech, vroom.

Richard: [sighs in frustration as he continues to click] This really isn't going very fast.

Nic: Vrooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooom, Vroooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooom, Putt, Putt....Putt, Vrooooooooooooooooooooooom

Inexorable Inquiry #10

What if rainbows caused cancer?

Fashionable Dining

The Scene: Richard walks into the break room near the end of his lunch hour to eat an orange he brought.

Richard: Taking a late lunch?

Nic: Yeah, it's almost over.

Richard: Mine too. I have to squeeze my orange in...

No pun intended.

Nic: You know there was a pun intended.

Richard: Yeah, but I'm just not sure in what fashion.

Nic: You mean in what orifice?

Inexorable Inquiry #9

If Richard were an alarm clock would you punch him in the face or the crotch?

Pie-face

The Scene: A co-worker brought pie to work to share and Richard is preparing a slice to take home.

Nic: You taking that home to your friend?

Richard: What friend? This one? [Holds up right hand.]

Inexorable Inquiry #8

How hard do you have to shake a baby to get it finally to shut up?

Confirmation

Richard: Where'd you go?

Nic: I've been in my apartment all morning.

Richard: Are you sure? I thought I saw you and spoke to you this morning.

Nic: I'd like to know how that went since I wasn't there.

Richard: I know it was you. Five other people confirmed it. And three of them were God.

Inexorible Inquiry #7

Is it wrong to hurt a baby if that baby is really ultra super ugly?

Inedible Frustrations

Nic: Word to your face, HOMIE!

Richard: Why do you have to bring attention to it?

Nic: HOW CAN I AVOID IT!?!

Richard: Perfect Pony Potions.

Nic: It does remind me of a certain pony body part. I'm glad you've noticed, too. I felt akward bringing it up.

Richard: *Throws arms in the air and screams in frustration.*

*Catches arms.*

Nic: Wait... what did you catch your arms with?

Richard: ...Teeth...?

Nic: How tiny are your arms?

Richard: That's for me to know and you to find out.

Nic: *Nervous swallow.*

Richard: Oh crap! Where'd my arms go?

Nic: They were in my mouth the whole time?

This is getting weird and gross. Like freak-me-out gross.

Richard: Don't worry, it's not real.

Nic: Then why do I feel like I’m getting punched from inside my stomach? And what happens later when I have to make bears?

Richard: Uh Oh.

Inexorable Inquiry #6

Is it wrong to hurt a baby if that baby has killed a man?

Malfunction ISP

Richard: Let's blog about it!

Nic: I already did.

Richard: I'll go approve it.

Nic: The blog just has [friends name] (noun.) then a bunch of curse words and indecent comments about transsexuals.

Richard: Indecent?!?! That's a bit harsh

Nic: I regret it...

Richard: I haven't told any one yet.

Nic: I already forwarded it to everyone with a Gmail account. I also sent it to everyone on AOL but that was only five people so it doesn't count.

Richard: They probably don't count themselves. I bet [coworker] uses AOL.

*snicker snicker*

Nic: *snicker snicker, SNORT*

Richard: *blip bleep blorp* oops...

Inexorable Inquiry #5

How do you plan to prepare for the next cooties epidemic?

Poor, Poor Little Billy

Nic: By the way, on the trip with Annie I had my MP3 player on random and every now and then a really good song would play and I would turn up the music to listen to it. At one point Doombringer comes on so I crank it. Afterward she says “I liked that. Who was it?”

Richard: Who was it?

Nic: "Poop Shoot and the Scoopers"

Richard: Oh yeah? They played at my parents wedding.

Nic: They played at my Bar-Mitzvahs.

Richard: Which one?

Nic: The one that failed?

Richard: Ouch. How can you still listen to them?

Nic: It's wasn't their fault. Science is to blame...

...and, my Aunt Mildred...

Poor little Billy, he was never the same after that.

Richard: Wait... did they... *gasp* ...Billy?!

Nic: I'm surprised you don't remember. You were there the day they took him away. You remember how despondent he was.

Richard: I blacked that day out.

Nic: It was a dark day for all of us.