101 Steps to Asking Out the Girl of Your Dreams

Nic: The important thing to remember is I spoke to [girl Nic likes] last night. I got her e-mail.

Richard: Did you give her flowers?

Nic: No. But I focused all my magical power into making her love me.

Richard: How did that go?

Nic: She asked if I was constipated.

Concern = step 1

Richard: Step 2 = pull doorknob out of butt.

Nic: Step 3 = stop crying

Richard: Step 4 = seek help to stop crying

Nic: Step 5 = learn to live with crying

Richard: Step 6 = pick up sticks

Nic: Step 7 = go to heaven

Richard: Step 8 = don’t be late

Nic: Step 9 = go blind

Richard: Step 10 = stop masturbating in hopes of regaining sight… like a big fat hen

Nic: Step 11 = go to heaven

Richard: Step 12 = kill the elves

Nic: Step 13 = die alone

Richard: Step 14 = find crayons

Nic: Step 15 = eat crayons in an attempt to make myself beautiful on the inside

Richard: Step 16 = contract colitis (not to be confused with IBS)

Nic: Step 17 = tell everyone you have IBS

Richard: Step 18 = bleed from anus

Nic: Step 19 = “YAAAYYY!!” continue dancing.

Richard: Step 20 = bleed profusely from anus

Nic: Step 21 = repeat step 19

Richard: Step 22 = shine your shoes

Nic: Step 23 = drink pee

Richard: Step 24 = pee pee

Nic: Step 25 = become angry

Richard: Step 26 = express anger by crying

Nic: Step 27 = become angry with emotions.

Richard: Step 28 = surprise robot attack!!!

Nic: Step 29 = buy a robot costume and act casual

Richard: Step 30 = cry robot tears

Nic: Step 31 = learn to cry in binary

Richard: Step 32 = kill humans

Nic: Step 33 = give up on love

Richard: Step 34 = manufacture synthetic love

Nic: Step 35 = sell it at inflated prices

Richard: Step 36 = feel left out and try to buy back synthetic love

Nic: Step 37 = be disappointed it didn’t live up to the hype

Richard: Step 38 = regurgitate

Nic: Step 39 = become an alcoholic

Richard: Step 40 = start band

Nic: Step 41 = WIN!

Richard: Step 42 = become insecure about WIN!

Nic: Step 43 = question everything you ever believed

Richard: Step 44 = WIN AGAIN!!

Nic: Step 45 = realize you peaked early in life.

Richard: Step 46 = try to kill self but fail b/c of robot suit

Nic: Step 47 = buy a dog

Richard: Step 48 = name dog

Nic: Step 49 = turn dog into a robot

Richard: Step 50 = spend every day in fear that robot dog will turn into evil robot dog

Nic: Step 51 = surgically extract emotions to eliminate fear

Richard: Step 52 = manufacture synthetic emotions

Nic: Step 53 = sell at inflated prices

Richard: Step 54 = feel left out and try to buy back synthetic emotions

Nic: Step 55 = fail to buy back synthetic emotions

Richard: Step 56 = pick up more sticks

Nic: Step 57 = put them in a jar with the surgically removed emotions

Richard: Step 58 = shake jar vigorously

Nic: Step 59 = use

Richard: Step 60 = endure intervention to get help

Nic: Step 61 = go to rehab

Richard: Step 62 = remove jar from anus

Nic: Step 63 = bleed from anus

Richard: Step 64 = “YAAAYYY!!” continue dancing.

Nic: Step 65 = go to hospital

Richard: Step 66 = ask to speak with God

Nic: Step 67 = get rejected

Richard: Step 68 = put money in collection tray

Nic: Step 69 = get accepted

Richard: Step 70 = start fake college

Nic: Step 71 = get reported for fraud

Richard: Step 72 = make movie about it

Nic: Step 73 = learn an important life lesson

Richard: 74 = write and market book about important life lesson

Nic: 75 = dedicate book to Jesus

Richard: 76 = petition to ban book

Nic: 77 = start book burning club

Richard: 78 = read letter from publisher stating they print everything on flame-retardant products

Nic: 79 = laugh at the word retardant

Richard: 80 = pee pants a little while laughing

Nic: 81 = ignore pee and make degrading comments about gay retarded ants

Richard: 82 = receive call from civil rights activists regarding comments about gay retarded ants

Nic: 83 = ignore call from civil rights activists regarding comments about gay retarded ants.

Richard: 84 = receive letter from civil rights activists inviting me to join their anti-gay retarded ants club.

Nic: 85= send death threats to anti-gay retarded ants club

Richard: 86 = run outside to catch ice cream truck

Nic: 87 = knock little kids out of the way

Richard: 88 = jump on kids who fall

Nic: 89 = remember what happiness is

Richard: 90 = document ways to prevent others from acquiring happiness

Nic: 91 = come up with a cool super-villain name

Richard: 92 = hire spandex expert to design costume

Nic: 93= start work on doomsday device

Richard: 94 = hire dumb but adorable mouse for sidekick

Nic: 95 = name him Pinky

Richard: 96 = write theme song

Nic: 97 = wire costume for sound in order to play theme song constantly

Richard: 98 = discover weakness for dancing during battle

Nic: 99 = turn weakness into a new career (possibly through “Dancing with the Stars”)

Richard: 100 = explode

Nic: 101 = ask out [girl Nic likes]