Nic and Richard are going on a camping company camping trip. The room assignments are sent out and Nic and Richard are to share a king-sized bed. Co-workers make fun of Nic and Richard. While Nic and Richard don't care, [HR Manager] decides to split them up so people will stop making fun of them.
Nic: I wish we could have kept the king bed and just took turns sleeping in a tent outside.
Richard: I don't think a king bed will fit in my tent
Nic: Sounds like a personal problem to me.
Richard: Well, this is my cry for help.
Nic: You should try faking suicide.
Richard: I don't do that anymore every time I do I end up with a hospital bill I don't remember.
Nic: Same reason I don't go on dates anymore.
Sep 4, 2009
Sep 3, 2009
Inside of Nic's Head
The Scene: Nic and Richard are sitting outside at Sonic. One of the customers drives off and after they pass Nic bursts out laughing. Richard looks at Nic questioningly.
Nic: No... nothing...
Richard: ...
Nic: It's just... when you see an old man and a young kid riding together in a car... do you ever wonder if their bodies might have been switched?
Richard: Like Freaky Friday!!!
Nic: Exactly!
Nic: No... nothing...
Richard: ...
Nic: It's just... when you see an old man and a young kid riding together in a car... do you ever wonder if their bodies might have been switched?
Richard: Like Freaky Friday!!!
Nic: Exactly!
Sep 2, 2009
Living Aquatically
Richard: [Co-worker] just told everyone in my department that I love seahorses.
Nic: Maybe you should stop talking about them ALL THE F***ING TIME!
Nic: Maybe you should stop talking about them ALL THE F***ING TIME!
Sep 1, 2009
Bro-Love
Nic: Are you alright dude?
[Drummer]: Yeah, I'm fine.
Nic: Are you sure? Do you need a hug?
[Drummer]: No.
Nic: Do you need a bro-pat?
[Drummer]: No...
Nic: Oh...
Do you need a bro-kiss?
[Drummer]: NO!
Richard: Well maybe Nic wants one! Ever think of that?!
Nic: Yeah! Maybe I'm asking for a reason, [Drummer]!
[Drummer]: Yeah, I'm fine.
Nic: Are you sure? Do you need a hug?
[Drummer]: No.
Nic: Do you need a bro-pat?
[Drummer]: No...
Nic: Oh...
Do you need a bro-kiss?
[Drummer]: NO!
Richard: Well maybe Nic wants one! Ever think of that?!
Nic: Yeah! Maybe I'm asking for a reason, [Drummer]!
Aug 31, 2009
God Hates Socialisim
[Co-Worker]: Did you hear that [Senator] died?
Nic: I don't know who that is. Was he a Texas Senator?
[Co-Worker]: No. He was a democrat. They're worried they're going to be one vote shy of passing socialized health care with him gone.
Nic: That's called divine intervention.
Richard: The same thing could be said about Michael Jackson.
Nic: He gets a vote in the Senate?
Richard: He should have!
Nic: I don't know who that is. Was he a Texas Senator?
[Co-Worker]: No. He was a democrat. They're worried they're going to be one vote shy of passing socialized health care with him gone.
Nic: That's called divine intervention.
Richard: The same thing could be said about Michael Jackson.
Nic: He gets a vote in the Senate?
Richard: He should have!
Aug 21, 2009
Speechless
Nic: Did you notice that the doorbell has a sticker on top that says "This side down.”
Richard: Who told you to look at the top of the doorbell?!?!
Nic: Well, Nobody warned me not to!
Richard: Oh and I suppose no one has warned you not to put your head in a meat grinder either, have they?
Nic: As a matter of fact they haven’t. I’m just left on my own to discover these things!
Richard: It’s a good thing [Male Supervisor] keeps our meat grinder locked up.
Nic: Apparently I’m not the only one who hasn’t been told.
Richard: Maybe this is something you should discuss in your review.
Nic: Already had my review... with [Female Supervisor]...
Richard: I figured you’d tell me.
Nic: It was a waste of time.
Richard: So everything you imagined it to be?
Nic: And more. It was like 30 min to an hour long of me listening to her and when I would speak my mind she would either qualify it or justify it.
Richard: A SUCCESS!
Nic: But I didn’t know about the meat grinder otherwise it would have gone completely different.
Richard: .............. she IS the meat grinder.
Nic: *Projectile vomit.
Richard: Who told you to look at the top of the doorbell?!?!
Nic: Well, Nobody warned me not to!
Richard: Oh and I suppose no one has warned you not to put your head in a meat grinder either, have they?
Nic: As a matter of fact they haven’t. I’m just left on my own to discover these things!
Richard: It’s a good thing [Male Supervisor] keeps our meat grinder locked up.
Nic: Apparently I’m not the only one who hasn’t been told.
Richard: Maybe this is something you should discuss in your review.
Nic: Already had my review... with [Female Supervisor]...
Richard: I figured you’d tell me.
Nic: It was a waste of time.
Richard: So everything you imagined it to be?
Nic: And more. It was like 30 min to an hour long of me listening to her and when I would speak my mind she would either qualify it or justify it.
Richard: A SUCCESS!
Nic: But I didn’t know about the meat grinder otherwise it would have gone completely different.
Richard: .............. she IS the meat grinder.
Nic: *Projectile vomit.
Aug 20, 2009
Extended Family
E-mail between Richard and Nic
Richard:
Nic: Wow, you never think about sea creatures having those.
Richard: Families?
Nic: At least not such large ones.
Richard:
Nic: Wow, you never think about sea creatures having those.
Richard: Families?
Nic: At least not such large ones.
Aug 19, 2009
Federal Bureau of Magic Investigation
Emails between Richard and Nic:
Nic: [This message is made entirely out of overpowering rage.]
Richard: Accepted.
Nic: [This message is made entirely out of overwhelming pride.]
Richard: Denied.
Nic: [This message is made entirely out of magic.]
Richard: Message being retained for further investigation.
Nic: [This message is made entirely out of overpowering rage.]
Richard: Accepted.
Nic: [This message is made entirely out of overwhelming pride.]
Richard: Denied.
Nic: [This message is made entirely out of magic.]
Richard: Message being retained for further investigation.
Aug 18, 2009
Phobias
Nic and Richard's HR manager took them and another co-worker to lunch because their birthdays are in the same month.
HR Manager: [To Nic] I'm surprised the girls in training haven't scared you off yet.
Nic: I ain't scared of no girls!
Richard: [Looks at Nic shocked]
Nic: [To Richard] I mean I AM scared of girls...
Richard: [Stops looking shocked]
HR Manager: [To Nic] I'm surprised the girls in training haven't scared you off yet.
Nic: I ain't scared of no girls!
Richard: [Looks at Nic shocked]
Nic: [To Richard] I mean I AM scared of girls...
Richard: [Stops looking shocked]
Aug 17, 2009
The Navy
Nic: A bug just fell from the ceiling and landed in the middle of my keyboard. It freaked me out.
Richard: We heard it.
Nic: I've never heard a bug scream before. That's what freaked me out so much!
Richard: That was a bug?! We thought it was your naval!
Nic: I WISH it was my naval!!!
Richard: Yeah, it was a rather impressive scream.
Nic: If anyone asks about it, tell them it was my naval.
Richard: Done.
Richard: We heard it.
Nic: I've never heard a bug scream before. That's what freaked me out so much!
Richard: That was a bug?! We thought it was your naval!
Nic: I WISH it was my naval!!!
Richard: Yeah, it was a rather impressive scream.
Nic: If anyone asks about it, tell them it was my naval.
Richard: Done.
Aug 14, 2009
Name That Context
Nic: So what do you guys want to do?
Richard: Oh! We could..... no..... we're too tall for that.
Richard: Oh! We could..... no..... we're too tall for that.
Aug 13, 2009
Remembering the Scantron
Nic: What would you do with yourself if you were Amish?
Richard: Make furniture.
Nic: As long as you have a plan.
Richard: Wait, I had options? Why wasn't this multiple choice?
Richard: Make furniture.
Nic: As long as you have a plan.
Richard: Wait, I had options? Why wasn't this multiple choice?
Aug 12, 2009
Frozen Pizza
The Scene: An ice cream truck drives by Richard and Nic as they sit at a red light.
Nic: ICE CREAM!
Richard: Oh man!!!
Nic: (Said very quickly and excitedly.) Ice cream! It's ice cream! Pizza! No, it's ice cream! I think it's pizza! Ice cream! Ice Cream truck! Pizza! That was ice cream! It had ice cream on the side! And Pizza! It's a pizza truck! I think that was ice cream! (Looks at Richard for confirmation.)
Richard: (Sits silently looking at the traffic light.)
Nic: ICE CREAM!
Richard: Oh man!!!
Nic: (Said very quickly and excitedly.) Ice cream! It's ice cream! Pizza! No, it's ice cream! I think it's pizza! Ice cream! Ice Cream truck! Pizza! That was ice cream! It had ice cream on the side! And Pizza! It's a pizza truck! I think that was ice cream! (Looks at Richard for confirmation.)
Richard: (Sits silently looking at the traffic light.)
Aug 11, 2009
DDF (Distance Distortion Factor)
Nic: Dude, you need to listen to this band. They opened for Tool last night and they were awesome!
Richard: Who were they?
Nic: Tweak Bird. There are 2 of them--a guitarist and a drummer. The drummer is really dramatic. And they always sing together in these weird voices that sound like folky Japanese girls. I thought they were Japanese at the show.
Richard: You got a crush on the drummer didn't you.
Nic: Of course I did! I mean a talented chick drummer with showmanship? It was like losing my virginity but better! Then I got home and found out they were both men and I felt confused, ashamed, and desperately lonely.
Then it was exactly like losing my virginity...
Richard: Who were they?
Nic: Tweak Bird. There are 2 of them--a guitarist and a drummer. The drummer is really dramatic. And they always sing together in these weird voices that sound like folky Japanese girls. I thought they were Japanese at the show.
Richard: You got a crush on the drummer didn't you.
Nic: Of course I did! I mean a talented chick drummer with showmanship? It was like losing my virginity but better! Then I got home and found out they were both men and I felt confused, ashamed, and desperately lonely.
Then it was exactly like losing my virginity...
Aug 10, 2009
Making Sense of Darwin
Nic: What's that saying about every time you sneeze, a fairy dies?
Richard: I think that's "Every time you masturbate, God kills a kitten."
Nic: Oh... I think... I might have killed a lot of kittens.
Richard: Survival of the fittest, dude.
Richard: I think that's "Every time you masturbate, God kills a kitten."
Nic: Oh... I think... I might have killed a lot of kittens.
Richard: Survival of the fittest, dude.
Aug 7, 2009
Self-Improvement
Nic: I'm going to Canada!!!
Richard: Is that the one with the… what do they have?
Nic: Ellen Page?
Richard: Beats me.
Nic: How dare you accuse her of that.
Richard: Caresses me.
Nic: NOOO! Take it back!!!
Richard: Performs mathematical equations with ease.
Nic: Mmmmm... I love her.
Richard: Typical.
Nic: That I’m in love or that I only love her because she is unattainable?
Richard: Mostly the first.
Nic: How can I resist easily solving mathematical equations?
Richard: Oh, now you love equations, too?
Nic: You can’t love a concept, Richard. Unless that concept is a movie star.
Richard: Now you’re putting restrictions on my love?
Nic: Masturbation is not love...
Richard: True, but we're talking about the love OF masturbation.
Nic: That's called self-improvement.
Richard: Is that the one with the… what do they have?
Nic: Ellen Page?
Richard: Beats me.
Nic: How dare you accuse her of that.
Richard: Caresses me.
Nic: NOOO! Take it back!!!
Richard: Performs mathematical equations with ease.
Nic: Mmmmm... I love her.
Richard: Typical.
Nic: That I’m in love or that I only love her because she is unattainable?
Richard: Mostly the first.
Nic: How can I resist easily solving mathematical equations?
Richard: Oh, now you love equations, too?
Nic: You can’t love a concept, Richard. Unless that concept is a movie star.
Richard: Now you’re putting restrictions on my love?
Nic: Masturbation is not love...
Richard: True, but we're talking about the love OF masturbation.
Nic: That's called self-improvement.
Aug 6, 2009
Respect vs. Money
Richard: A book in Oprah's book club should get me rich.
Nic: But not respected.
Richard: Worth it!
Nic: But not respected.
Richard: Worth it!
Aug 5, 2009
Only Time Will Tell
Nic: Mario just referred to himself as Super Mario.
Richard: Give him a gold star.
Nic: I feel like invincibility is the wrong way to go with him.
Richard: I’m sorry you two don’t agree. Mario loves handing out gold stars because he loves everyone the same.
Nic: I’m just not sure if he’s the right guy to give the power to kill things by bumping into them.
Richard: Oh, I suppose you’d give it to Luigi.
Nic: LUIGI’S TWICE THE MAN MARIO IS!!!
Richard: Give him a gold star.
Nic: I feel like invincibility is the wrong way to go with him.
Richard: I’m sorry you two don’t agree. Mario loves handing out gold stars because he loves everyone the same.
Nic: I’m just not sure if he’s the right guy to give the power to kill things by bumping into them.
Richard: Oh, I suppose you’d give it to Luigi.
Nic: LUIGI’S TWICE THE MAN MARIO IS!!!
Aug 4, 2009
Lacking Maternal Instinct
Nic: So, last night I went to bed at 11 PM. As I was getting into bed, I went to my computer desk to get my cell phone. It wasn't there. I start looking around for it. After 15 minutes I gave up, assuming it fell out of my pocket in your car. So, I began to look through boxes to find my alarm clock. I gave up around 11:45 PM. Then I realized… I left my phone at the studio.
Richard: Not only did you leave your phone at the studio, [Bassist], [Drummer], and I saw you leave it and grabbed it and ripped it into three pieces and ate it.
Nic: Really, that makes sense... how it was there in one piece when I went to get it at midnight.
Richard: Lots of laxatives and tiny tools for reassembly.
Nic: I did see three hookers on our street. [Drummer] would have loved them. He also would have contracted AIDS and died.
Richard: Were the hookers killing their customers after giving them AIDS?
Nic: I don’t know. I left after their customers got AIDS. It wasn't interesting after that. AIDS is kind of the climax of entertainment.
Richard: You’ve obviously never witnessed hooker post-sex rage.
Nic: I thought that was pacified by an offering of money.
Richard: You don’t seriously believe that, do you?
Nic: That’s the legend that’s been passed down by movies and television. I guess that’s just Hollywood for you. I just thought if anyone knew hookers, it would be Hollywood.
Richard: Hollywood does know hookers. It’s true. It’s all true.
Nic: I KNEW IT!!! YOU WERE RIGHT, MOM!!!
Richard: For the last time, I’m not your mom.
Nic: It hurts every time you say that.
Richard: I’m not your mom.
Richard: Not only did you leave your phone at the studio, [Bassist], [Drummer], and I saw you leave it and grabbed it and ripped it into three pieces and ate it.
Nic: Really, that makes sense... how it was there in one piece when I went to get it at midnight.
Richard: Lots of laxatives and tiny tools for reassembly.
Nic: I did see three hookers on our street. [Drummer] would have loved them. He also would have contracted AIDS and died.
Richard: Were the hookers killing their customers after giving them AIDS?
Nic: I don’t know. I left after their customers got AIDS. It wasn't interesting after that. AIDS is kind of the climax of entertainment.
Richard: You’ve obviously never witnessed hooker post-sex rage.
Nic: I thought that was pacified by an offering of money.
Richard: You don’t seriously believe that, do you?
Nic: That’s the legend that’s been passed down by movies and television. I guess that’s just Hollywood for you. I just thought if anyone knew hookers, it would be Hollywood.
Richard: Hollywood does know hookers. It’s true. It’s all true.
Nic: I KNEW IT!!! YOU WERE RIGHT, MOM!!!
Richard: For the last time, I’m not your mom.
Nic: It hurts every time you say that.
Richard: I’m not your mom.
Aug 3, 2009
Muffins of Fire!
Nic: So, I just asked [girl] how many hot single girls she's bringing to the show and she responded, “I hate girls. I'm not going.” I’m so confused.
Richard: Can she at least give them directions?
Nic: But what she said is not a response to what I said.
Richard: Fine, just get their numbers and I’ll call them.
Nic: But… but… what you’re saying isn’t a response to what I’m saying…
Richard: Are you gay?
Nic: I think you made a mistake.
Richard: I’m not the one who is avoiding getting these girls to the show.
Nic: Sorry, I have naturally high avoidance... and testosterone. Combined with my logic and ninja skills I’m a dangerous little sugar muffin.
Richard: Correction: avoidance TO testosterone.
Nic: You’re playing with fire.
Richard: Because you’re a flaming homosexual, sugar muffin.
Richard: Can she at least give them directions?
Nic: But what she said is not a response to what I said.
Richard: Fine, just get their numbers and I’ll call them.
Nic: But… but… what you’re saying isn’t a response to what I’m saying…
Richard: Are you gay?
Nic: I think you made a mistake.
Richard: I’m not the one who is avoiding getting these girls to the show.
Nic: Sorry, I have naturally high avoidance... and testosterone. Combined with my logic and ninja skills I’m a dangerous little sugar muffin.
Richard: Correction: avoidance TO testosterone.
Nic: You’re playing with fire.
Richard: Because you’re a flaming homosexual, sugar muffin.
Jul 7, 2009
A Blessing on Both Your Houses
Several years ago Nic was asked to be in a wedding for one of his best friends. During the wedding, as so often happens, a book was passed around for people to sign. This particular book was a book of blessings. The guest writes their name and a brief blessing to the bride and groom. Nic participated in this ritual.
A couple of days ago Nic helped the aforementioned friend move to a newly purchased home. As the friend unpacked his belongings he stumbled across a long lost box of wedding albums. In this golden treasure of love and commitment he found a book, a book Nic signed. He read the sweet words Nic wrote to him and his wife. He was touched so deeply and truly that he took a picture and sent it to Nic who had forgotten his heartfelt words. This it the picture Nic received.
A couple of days ago Nic helped the aforementioned friend move to a newly purchased home. As the friend unpacked his belongings he stumbled across a long lost box of wedding albums. In this golden treasure of love and commitment he found a book, a book Nic signed. He read the sweet words Nic wrote to him and his wife. He was touched so deeply and truly that he took a picture and sent it to Nic who had forgotten his heartfelt words. This it the picture Nic received.
Jun 23, 2009
Acceptance is the First Step
[Continued conversation from 06/18/09]
Nic: Do you remember earlier when you asked me who the chick musician was that that one lady adores in Love Actually?
Richard: Yeah.
Nic: Well, it’s Joni Mitchell.
Richard: No… I don’t think that’s it.
Nic: I got it from a very unreliable source.
Richard: Wait… did I tell you?
Nic: I don’t feel like I can reveal my source without violating his/her trust.
But yes, it was you.
Richard: I feel so violated.
Nic: Strangely, I feel very empowered.
Richard: But how does your face feel? Rubbed in any form or fashion?
Nic: It feels like it’s covered in uncertainty and a new found respect for life.
Richard: Well that’s not at all what I tried rubbing in your face.
Nic: Overcoming your intellectual abuse made me grow as a person… and a space alien.
Richard: Vertically or horizontally?
Nic: Diagonally.
Richard: Dragonally?
Nic: DO NOT QUESTION ME!!!
Nic: Do you remember earlier when you asked me who the chick musician was that that one lady adores in Love Actually?
Richard: Yeah.
Nic: Well, it’s Joni Mitchell.
Richard: No… I don’t think that’s it.
Nic: I got it from a very unreliable source.
Richard: Wait… did I tell you?
Nic: I don’t feel like I can reveal my source without violating his/her trust.
But yes, it was you.
Richard: I feel so violated.
Nic: Strangely, I feel very empowered.
Richard: But how does your face feel? Rubbed in any form or fashion?
Nic: It feels like it’s covered in uncertainty and a new found respect for life.
Richard: Well that’s not at all what I tried rubbing in your face.
Nic: Overcoming your intellectual abuse made me grow as a person… and a space alien.
Richard: Vertically or horizontally?
Nic: Diagonally.
Richard: Dragonally?
Nic: DO NOT QUESTION ME!!!
Jun 22, 2009
Blood Containers
Waitress: Are you guys brothers?
Richard: No.
Nic: There's a lady at work who thought we were brothers also.
Richard: Why do you think we're related?
Waitress: Well, you guys kind of look alike.
Richard: Really?
Waitress: Well, I mean, he has long hair and you have short hair, and your eyes... Like you [to Nic] have sort of greenish grayish eyes, and you [to Richard] have kind of blueish... I don't know.
Richard: So blue eyes and green eyes mean we're related?
Waitress: Well... no... but you kind of look alike.
Are you guys like best friends?
In Unison: No.
Nic: I mean we ARE friends.
Waitress: Just not best.
Richard: I don't really know what that means.
Nic: Same.
Waitress: But there's not blood between you.
Richard: I have blood!
Nic: I keep mine in my body!
Richard: I keep my in my body, too!
Waitress: That's where I keep mine!
Nic: We've got a lot in common!
Richard: No.
Nic: There's a lady at work who thought we were brothers also.
Richard: Why do you think we're related?
Waitress: Well, you guys kind of look alike.
Richard: Really?
Waitress: Well, I mean, he has long hair and you have short hair, and your eyes... Like you [to Nic] have sort of greenish grayish eyes, and you [to Richard] have kind of blueish... I don't know.
Richard: So blue eyes and green eyes mean we're related?
Waitress: Well... no... but you kind of look alike.
Are you guys like best friends?
In Unison: No.
Nic: I mean we ARE friends.
Waitress: Just not best.
Richard: I don't really know what that means.
Nic: Same.
Waitress: But there's not blood between you.
Richard: I have blood!
Nic: I keep mine in my body!
Richard: I keep my in my body, too!
Waitress: That's where I keep mine!
Nic: We've got a lot in common!
Jun 19, 2009
Support Your Local Technician
Friend: Man, I don't want to do computer stuff anymore, ever.
Nic: What happened?
Friend: I can't for the life of me figure out why some ports I've opened up on our router won't actually show up as open. It's really pissing me off. If you say, "Have you tried turning it off and on again" I'm going to kill you.
Richard: Have you tried turning it off? Leave it off, box it up, poke holes in the box, and look in at the computer through the holes.
Nic: What happened?
Friend: I can't for the life of me figure out why some ports I've opened up on our router won't actually show up as open. It's really pissing me off. If you say, "Have you tried turning it off and on again" I'm going to kill you.
Richard: Have you tried turning it off? Leave it off, box it up, poke holes in the box, and look in at the computer through the holes.
Jun 18, 2009
Status = Vicarious
Richard: In Love Actually, who’s the chick musician that one lady adores? Her cheating husband buys her a CD of the music for Christmas.
Nic: I can’t think of it off the top of my head.
Richard: Joni Mitchell.
Nic: You were just trying to rub your knowledge in my face weren’t you.
Richard: It has nothing to do with knowledge. I just like rubbing things in faces—inanimate or animate; tangible or intangible.
Nic: Abuse of concepts is how people catch Nihilism.
Richard: New Facebook status: Richard caught the Nihilism.
Nic: You know there is only one cure for that don’t you?
Richard: So tell me what my next status will be.
Nic: Cupcakes and Pandabears.
Richard: That’s not a complete sentence.
Nic: The only cure for a disease so completely disabling as that of Nihilism is the surrender to the overwhelming benevolence of the mighty cupcake and the unconditional love of the noble Panda.
Richard: Richard has been cured of the disease of Nihilism by surrendering to the overwhelming benevolence of the mighty cupcake and unconditional love of the noble panda.
Nic: I'm glad you have Facebook so I don't have to.
Nic: I can’t think of it off the top of my head.
Richard: Joni Mitchell.
Nic: You were just trying to rub your knowledge in my face weren’t you.
Richard: It has nothing to do with knowledge. I just like rubbing things in faces—inanimate or animate; tangible or intangible.
Nic: Abuse of concepts is how people catch Nihilism.
Richard: New Facebook status: Richard caught the Nihilism.
Nic: You know there is only one cure for that don’t you?
Richard: So tell me what my next status will be.
Nic: Cupcakes and Pandabears.
Richard: That’s not a complete sentence.
Nic: The only cure for a disease so completely disabling as that of Nihilism is the surrender to the overwhelming benevolence of the mighty cupcake and the unconditional love of the noble Panda.
Richard: Richard has been cured of the disease of Nihilism by surrendering to the overwhelming benevolence of the mighty cupcake and unconditional love of the noble panda.
Nic: I'm glad you have Facebook so I don't have to.
Jun 15, 2009
Thematic Miscommunication
The Scene: Nic, Richard, and two friends are eating dinner at Outback Steakhouse. Nic's order gets messed up and he has to wait for them to correct it. After they all finish eating, Nic is offered a free dessert for their error. He begins reading over the dessert menu.
Nic: Chocolate Thunder From Down Under?
Richard: Are you serious?! [Bursts out laughing]
Nic: Totally.
Waiter: We have to keep things Australian.
Richard: [While still laughing] That's not Australian. That's just disgusting!
Nic: Chocolate Thunder From Down Under?
Richard: Are you serious?! [Bursts out laughing]
Nic: Totally.
Waiter: We have to keep things Australian.
Richard: [While still laughing] That's not Australian. That's just disgusting!
Jun 12, 2009
Formula for Fame
Richard: How'd you like that reference to peanut butter jelly time?
Nic: I don't know what that is...
Richard: Dang. It's really old. [Sends link to YouTube]
Nic: Oh, I've seen that dancing banana before! I didn't know what it was called, or where it was from, or why it was even popular. I still kind of don't know why it was popular.
Richard: Easy: because it's stupid and obnoxious.
Nic: So, why aren't we more popular?
Richard: Because all of our props got stolen.
Nic: I don't know what that is...
Richard: Dang. It's really old. [Sends link to YouTube]
Nic: Oh, I've seen that dancing banana before! I didn't know what it was called, or where it was from, or why it was even popular. I still kind of don't know why it was popular.
Richard: Easy: because it's stupid and obnoxious.
Nic: So, why aren't we more popular?
Richard: Because all of our props got stolen.
Jun 11, 2009
Regretful Genetics
The Scene: Nic, Richard, and [Friend] go out to eat. As they're walking into the restaurant a line of six extremely attractive girls walk out. As the two groups pass each other:
Girl #1: [to girl #3] Bye
Girl#2: [to girl #4] Okay! We'll see you later, Bye.
Girl #3: [to girl #2] Bye
Girls #4: [to girl #1] Goodbye
Richard: [to girl#5] Bye!
Nic: [waves goodbye to girl #6] Sorry I'm not more attractive!
Girl #1: [to girl #3] Bye
Girl#2: [to girl #4] Okay! We'll see you later, Bye.
Girl #3: [to girl #2] Bye
Girls #4: [to girl #1] Goodbye
Richard: [to girl#5] Bye!
Nic: [waves goodbye to girl #6] Sorry I'm not more attractive!
Jun 10, 2009
Thou Shalt Not Steal
Friday someone tried to break into Nic and Richard's workplace. So they decided to help by creating a list of all the things stolen. This list is to be submitted to the police. Once the thieves are captured the return of these items is demanded.
List of items taken from [Employer]:
-Life-sized chocolate dinosaur
-13 banana costumes
-1 stuffed and mounted piranha
-[Boss's] personal MacGyver movie collection
-[Boss]
-Fifth American flag to hang over the entrance to the IT department
-Innocence
-4 pair of rubber underwear
-3 rubber underwear instruction booklets
-1 ficus tree disguise
-gift card to the restaurant of your choice
-32 souls
-the robot
-1 Program chip to block robots evil nature
-Microsoft paint
-1 hand-drawn picture of a monster eating sadness divided by rainbow
-28 employee of the month trophies
-Love
-1 nice pair of jeans
-1 mean pair of jeans
-1 leather mask (bought from leather masters)
-3 posable Spider-man action figures.
-40 lbs. of condoms
-1 subscription to adult friend finder
-assortment of surreal stories authored by [Friend] and Richard
-1 list of steps to asking out a girl
-platinum grille
-3 pair of bronzed testicles
-whipped cream
-56 pencils with erasers
-whip
-1 Ouija board
-Natalie Portman
-stockpile of weapons of mass destruction
-1 copy of "Where the Red Fern Grows"
-1 human heart
-1 custom tailored carrying case for a human heart
List of items taken from [Employer]:
-Life-sized chocolate dinosaur
-13 banana costumes
-1 stuffed and mounted piranha
-[Boss's] personal MacGyver movie collection
-[Boss]
-Fifth American flag to hang over the entrance to the IT department
-Innocence
-4 pair of rubber underwear
-3 rubber underwear instruction booklets
-1 ficus tree disguise
-gift card to the restaurant of your choice
-32 souls
-the robot
-1 Program chip to block robots evil nature
-Microsoft paint
-1 hand-drawn picture of a monster eating sadness divided by rainbow
-28 employee of the month trophies
-Love
-1 nice pair of jeans
-1 mean pair of jeans
-1 leather mask (bought from leather masters)
-3 posable Spider-man action figures.
-40 lbs. of condoms
-1 subscription to adult friend finder
-assortment of surreal stories authored by [Friend] and Richard
-1 list of steps to asking out a girl
-platinum grille
-3 pair of bronzed testicles
-whipped cream
-56 pencils with erasers
-whip
-1 Ouija board
-Natalie Portman
-stockpile of weapons of mass destruction
-1 copy of "Where the Red Fern Grows"
-1 human heart
-1 custom tailored carrying case for a human heart
Jun 9, 2009
Jun 8, 2009
Blown Away
Richard: At this party last night we played the blow dart game. Have you ever played it?
Nic: Is it a drinking game?
Richard: No...
Nic: Then probably not.
Richard: Well, what you do is you put your hands up to your mouth like your holding a blow dart gun and blow at people. They pretend to get shot in the neck and collapse instantly, then they lie wherever they are until someone pulls the "dart" out of their neck.
Nic: Wow! That's awesome! I'm very jealous that you have friends that will play games like that... And, slightly intimidated.
Richard: Oh man it was great! I got this one girl like 5 times in a row. Each time I got her it was harder and harder for her to "wake up" after people pulled out the dart. The last time she pretended she couldn't even stand up and some guys had to help her to the couch.
Nic: HAHAHA, that's awesome!!!
Richard: One of the times I got her, like 5 guys tried to get the dart out of her neck but every time they got close I'd blow them!
Nic: [immediately stops laughing and stares at Richard]...
Richard: [embarrassingly] I shouldn't have worded it like that...
Nic: Is it a drinking game?
Richard: No...
Nic: Then probably not.
Richard: Well, what you do is you put your hands up to your mouth like your holding a blow dart gun and blow at people. They pretend to get shot in the neck and collapse instantly, then they lie wherever they are until someone pulls the "dart" out of their neck.
Nic: Wow! That's awesome! I'm very jealous that you have friends that will play games like that... And, slightly intimidated.
Richard: Oh man it was great! I got this one girl like 5 times in a row. Each time I got her it was harder and harder for her to "wake up" after people pulled out the dart. The last time she pretended she couldn't even stand up and some guys had to help her to the couch.
Nic: HAHAHA, that's awesome!!!
Richard: One of the times I got her, like 5 guys tried to get the dart out of her neck but every time they got close I'd blow them!
Nic: [immediately stops laughing and stares at Richard]...
Richard: [embarrassingly] I shouldn't have worded it like that...
Jun 5, 2009
Ask First
The Scene: Nic, Richard, and Friend are going out to eat. They're approaching the restaurant as Nic reads the name of the restaurant out loud.
Nic: Now, is this the restaurant or the brothel?
Richard: um...
Nic: Because I wouldn't want to go in and create an awkward situation.
Friend: [Turns around and looks at Richard and Nic] What did Nic do?
Richard: Nothing yet...
Nic: Now, is this the restaurant or the brothel?
Richard: um...
Nic: Because I wouldn't want to go in and create an awkward situation.
Friend: [Turns around and looks at Richard and Nic] What did Nic do?
Richard: Nothing yet...
Jun 4, 2009
Selective Hearing
Nic: The people in the sales department think my name is Patrick.
Richard: Where did they get that?
Nic: Probably in hell where they got their jobs.
Co-worker: A lot of people think my name is Kent and I have no idea where they got that from.
Richard: Maybe they're not saying Kent.
Richard: Where did they get that?
Nic: Probably in hell where they got their jobs.
Co-worker: A lot of people think my name is Kent and I have no idea where they got that from.
Richard: Maybe they're not saying Kent.
Jun 3, 2009
Dancing Fools
The Scene: Richard, Nic, and Friend are riding in a car. Richard is driving and Nic is in the backseat on the passenger side. We pull up to a traffic light and some cute girls pull up on the driver's side. Nic and Richard glance over to see the girls dancing. Richard turns back and watches the red light. Nic continues to watch as the driver points at our car and says something to her friend excitedly. The girl in the passenger seat looks over and sees our car and turns back to her friend and laugh from embarrassment. Nic starts laughing at the situation. The light turns green and Richard drives off ahead of them. Nic continues to laugh at the girls over their reaction.
Richard: What's so funny?
Nic: Those girls in the car beside us were dancing and they saw the two of us looking and got really embarrassed.
Richard: You know what we have to do right?
[At the next traffic light we're stopped beside the girls again. As the girls pull up from behind they look in the car to see Nic and Richard dancing as hard as they can. The girls begin to laugh. The light turns green and again we speed off ahead of them.]
[At the next traffic light again we're stopped beside the girls. Nic looks over to see them smiling at him. He smiles and waves. They wave back and continue smiling at him. Nic scoots over to the drivers side and rolls down the window.]
Nic: Hi!
Girl: Hi!
Richard: Can we have your numbers now?!
Girl: Um... no...
[Richard floors it!]
Richard: What's so funny?
Nic: Those girls in the car beside us were dancing and they saw the two of us looking and got really embarrassed.
Richard: You know what we have to do right?
[At the next traffic light we're stopped beside the girls again. As the girls pull up from behind they look in the car to see Nic and Richard dancing as hard as they can. The girls begin to laugh. The light turns green and again we speed off ahead of them.]
[At the next traffic light again we're stopped beside the girls. Nic looks over to see them smiling at him. He smiles and waves. They wave back and continue smiling at him. Nic scoots over to the drivers side and rolls down the window.]
Nic: Hi!
Girl: Hi!
Richard: Can we have your numbers now?!
Girl: Um... no...
[Richard floors it!]
Jun 2, 2009
A Matter of Taste
Nic: I got tired of that guy insisting I understand that animals have no souls.
Richard: He wasn't backing down.
Nic: I got to where I stopped discussing it hoping he'd just drop it.
Friend #1: Who cares if animals have no souls, anyway?
Friend #2: Have you guys heard of Kobe beef?
Richard: Yeah, they pamper their cows in hopes of producing superior beef.
Nic: What do they do?
Friend #1: I hear they raise them in tanks of water for like three weeks.
Friend #2: That's awful.
Friend #1: Not really. They're pretty happy. They get to swim around for three weeks and eat all they want.
Friend #2: But just to get slaughtered!
Friend #1: But it's really quick and painless. They don't even know it happened.
Nic: Don't listen to him, He's just trying to make you feel better. It's actually really painful. They know it's coming for weeks beforehand.
Richard: I heard they're not even slaughtered. The cows actually slit their own wrists.
Nic: Really though, they die from such extreme depression that their cute little hearts literally fall apart.
Friend #2: NO!!
Friend #1: Does it make you feel any better to know they're simply being put out of their misery?
Friend #2: I would never eat it.
Nic: You know how when someone else is completely miserable it just makes you feel really, really good inside?
Friend #1: Yeah.
Friend #2: Totally.
Nic: Now imagine how that feeling tastes.
Richard: I heard they have written on the walls: "There is a God, but it doesn't matter for you!"
Richard: He wasn't backing down.
Nic: I got to where I stopped discussing it hoping he'd just drop it.
Friend #1: Who cares if animals have no souls, anyway?
Friend #2: Have you guys heard of Kobe beef?
Richard: Yeah, they pamper their cows in hopes of producing superior beef.
Nic: What do they do?
Friend #1: I hear they raise them in tanks of water for like three weeks.
Friend #2: That's awful.
Friend #1: Not really. They're pretty happy. They get to swim around for three weeks and eat all they want.
Friend #2: But just to get slaughtered!
Friend #1: But it's really quick and painless. They don't even know it happened.
Nic: Don't listen to him, He's just trying to make you feel better. It's actually really painful. They know it's coming for weeks beforehand.
Richard: I heard they're not even slaughtered. The cows actually slit their own wrists.
Nic: Really though, they die from such extreme depression that their cute little hearts literally fall apart.
Friend #2: NO!!
Friend #1: Does it make you feel any better to know they're simply being put out of their misery?
Friend #2: I would never eat it.
Nic: You know how when someone else is completely miserable it just makes you feel really, really good inside?
Friend #1: Yeah.
Friend #2: Totally.
Nic: Now imagine how that feeling tastes.
Richard: I heard they have written on the walls: "There is a God, but it doesn't matter for you!"
Jun 1, 2009
Word Search
Richard: I need help thinking of a word.
Nic: Go ahead.
Richard: I'm looking for a word to replace "bring back" in the sentence: Richard is petitioning to bring back pterodactyls.
Nic: Revive... restore... resurrect?
Richard: The best I've found so far is "reinstate."
Nic: I like reinstate, it sounds dignified.
Richard: I think reinstate implies almost that pterodactyls were once holding some place in office.
Nic: Agreed. What's this for?
Richard: Updating my résumé.
Nic: Go ahead.
Richard: I'm looking for a word to replace "bring back" in the sentence: Richard is petitioning to bring back pterodactyls.
Nic: Revive... restore... resurrect?
Richard: The best I've found so far is "reinstate."
Nic: I like reinstate, it sounds dignified.
Richard: I think reinstate implies almost that pterodactyls were once holding some place in office.
Nic: Agreed. What's this for?
Richard: Updating my résumé.
May 29, 2009
May 28, 2009
May 27, 2009
Nature's Call
Emails sent between Nic and Richard during work.
Nic:
FOUND IT!!!
Richard: Gooood boooy! What'd you find there, boy?
Nic:
IT'S A STICK!!!
Richard: Where'd you find it?
Nic:THE FOREST OF MY SOUL!!!
Richard: What soul?Nic:
THIS SOUL!!!!
Richard: The leaves?
Nic:
I LOVE NATURE!!!
Richard: I never knew you were so eco-friendly
Nic:
I CALL UPON MAGIC!!!
Richard: Why are you wearing a tie?
May 26, 2009
The Grammar and the Logic
The Scene: Nic came back to work after being gone for a week to Coachella and found that Richard and [coworker] had sent him close to 100 emails of random pictures. So Nic messages Richard.
Nic: Yeah, so I had over 70 emails in my inbox when from this last week.
Richard: I think you left a word out of your sentence and I think it was closer to 100.
Nic: No I totally meant "when from" your just not reading it with correct grammar.
Richard: Similar to your misuse in that last sentence.
Nic: Seriously dude, get over it.
Richard: I don't understand.
[a few minutes later]
Nic: I'm depressed that I came back.
Richard: Try degrading me with your grammar some more.
Nic: How is it degrading to you when you make fun of my grammar?
How about this, I'll stop hurting you with my grammar if you stop hurting me with your logic.
Richard: Deal!
Both In Unison: Sucker!!!
Nic: Yeah, so I had over 70 emails in my inbox when from this last week.
Richard: I think you left a word out of your sentence and I think it was closer to 100.
Nic: No I totally meant "when from" your just not reading it with correct grammar.
Richard: Similar to your misuse in that last sentence.
Nic: Seriously dude, get over it.
Richard: I don't understand.
[a few minutes later]
Nic: I'm depressed that I came back.
Richard: Try degrading me with your grammar some more.
Nic: How is it degrading to you when you make fun of my grammar?
How about this, I'll stop hurting you with my grammar if you stop hurting me with your logic.
Richard: Deal!
Both In Unison: Sucker!!!
May 22, 2009
Time Flies
Richard: So you're a werewolf, eh?
Nic: Apparently... that's what I've been told at least.
Richard: I'll have you warned I'm a werewolf hunter and part-time vampire, usually for kids parties and stuff…
Nic: Dang… that’s my main feeding ground…
Richard: We could create a mass scheme where you eat half the kids and I pretend to kill you for a reward and we split half the reward money….
Nic: Where do I sign?
Richard: I'll get the contract ready. I think this is the start of a brilliant company…
Nic: I’ll sign it in blood, other peoples’ of course. What self-respecting werewolf would sign with his own blood? ha ha ha... *sigh*
We should get together and work on the act.
Richard: Sounds good. We just have to fit this into our already busy ghost busting schedule…
Nic: Man, where DOES the time go!
Richard: Who knows… who knows...
Nic: Apparently... that's what I've been told at least.
Richard: I'll have you warned I'm a werewolf hunter and part-time vampire, usually for kids parties and stuff…
Nic: Dang… that’s my main feeding ground…
Richard: We could create a mass scheme where you eat half the kids and I pretend to kill you for a reward and we split half the reward money….
Nic: Where do I sign?
Richard: I'll get the contract ready. I think this is the start of a brilliant company…
Nic: I’ll sign it in blood, other peoples’ of course. What self-respecting werewolf would sign with his own blood? ha ha ha... *sigh*
We should get together and work on the act.
Richard: Sounds good. We just have to fit this into our already busy ghost busting schedule…
Nic: Man, where DOES the time go!
Richard: Who knows… who knows...
May 21, 2009
101 Steps to Asking Out the Girl of Your Dreams
Nic: The important thing to remember is I spoke to [girl Nic likes] last night. I got her e-mail.
Richard: Did you give her flowers?
Nic: No. But I focused all my magical power into making her love me.
Richard: How did that go?
Nic: She asked if I was constipated.
Concern = step 1
Richard: Step 2 = pull doorknob out of butt.
Nic: Step 3 = stop crying
Richard: Step 4 = seek help to stop crying
Nic: Step 5 = learn to live with crying
Richard: Step 6 = pick up sticks
Nic: Step 7 = go to heaven
Richard: Step 8 = don’t be late
Nic: Step 9 = go blind
Richard: Step 10 = stop masturbating in hopes of regaining sight… like a big fat hen
Nic: Step 11 = go to heaven
Richard: Step 12 = kill the elves
Nic: Step 13 = die alone
Richard: Step 14 = find crayons
Nic: Step 15 = eat crayons in an attempt to make myself beautiful on the inside
Richard: Step 16 = contract colitis (not to be confused with IBS)
Nic: Step 17 = tell everyone you have IBS
Richard: Step 18 = bleed from anus
Nic: Step 19 = “YAAAYYY!!” continue dancing.
Richard: Step 20 = bleed profusely from anus
Nic: Step 21 = repeat step 19
Richard: Step 22 = shine your shoes
Nic: Step 23 = drink pee
Richard: Step 24 = pee pee
Nic: Step 25 = become angry
Richard: Step 26 = express anger by crying
Nic: Step 27 = become angry with emotions.
Richard: Step 28 = surprise robot attack!!!
Nic: Step 29 = buy a robot costume and act casual
Richard: Step 30 = cry robot tears
Nic: Step 31 = learn to cry in binary
Richard: Step 32 = kill humans
Nic: Step 33 = give up on love
Richard: Step 34 = manufacture synthetic love
Nic: Step 35 = sell it at inflated prices
Richard: Step 36 = feel left out and try to buy back synthetic love
Nic: Step 37 = be disappointed it didn’t live up to the hype
Richard: Step 38 = regurgitate
Nic: Step 39 = become an alcoholic
Richard: Step 40 = start band
Nic: Step 41 = WIN!
Richard: Step 42 = become insecure about WIN!
Nic: Step 43 = question everything you ever believed
Richard: Step 44 = WIN AGAIN!!
Nic: Step 45 = realize you peaked early in life.
Richard: Step 46 = try to kill self but fail b/c of robot suit
Nic: Step 47 = buy a dog
Richard: Step 48 = name dog
Nic: Step 49 = turn dog into a robot
Richard: Step 50 = spend every day in fear that robot dog will turn into evil robot dog
Nic: Step 51 = surgically extract emotions to eliminate fear
Richard: Step 52 = manufacture synthetic emotions
Nic: Step 53 = sell at inflated prices
Richard: Step 54 = feel left out and try to buy back synthetic emotions
Nic: Step 55 = fail to buy back synthetic emotions
Richard: Step 56 = pick up more sticks
Nic: Step 57 = put them in a jar with the surgically removed emotions
Richard: Step 58 = shake jar vigorously
Nic: Step 59 = use
Richard: Step 60 = endure intervention to get help
Nic: Step 61 = go to rehab
Richard: Step 62 = remove jar from anus
Nic: Step 63 = bleed from anus
Richard: Step 64 = “YAAAYYY!!” continue dancing.
Nic: Step 65 = go to hospital
Richard: Step 66 = ask to speak with God
Nic: Step 67 = get rejected
Richard: Step 68 = put money in collection tray
Nic: Step 69 = get accepted
Richard: Step 70 = start fake college
Nic: Step 71 = get reported for fraud
Richard: Step 72 = make movie about it
Nic: Step 73 = learn an important life lesson
Richard: 74 = write and market book about important life lesson
Nic: 75 = dedicate book to Jesus
Richard: 76 = petition to ban book
Nic: 77 = start book burning club
Richard: 78 = read letter from publisher stating they print everything on flame-retardant products
Nic: 79 = laugh at the word retardant
Richard: 80 = pee pants a little while laughing
Nic: 81 = ignore pee and make degrading comments about gay retarded ants
Richard: 82 = receive call from civil rights activists regarding comments about gay retarded ants
Nic: 83 = ignore call from civil rights activists regarding comments about gay retarded ants.
Richard: 84 = receive letter from civil rights activists inviting me to join their anti-gay retarded ants club.
Nic: 85= send death threats to anti-gay retarded ants club
Richard: 86 = run outside to catch ice cream truck
Nic: 87 = knock little kids out of the way
Richard: 88 = jump on kids who fall
Nic: 89 = remember what happiness is
Richard: 90 = document ways to prevent others from acquiring happiness
Nic: 91 = come up with a cool super-villain name
Richard: 92 = hire spandex expert to design costume
Nic: 93= start work on doomsday device
Richard: 94 = hire dumb but adorable mouse for sidekick
Nic: 95 = name him Pinky
Richard: 96 = write theme song
Nic: 97 = wire costume for sound in order to play theme song constantly
Richard: 98 = discover weakness for dancing during battle
Nic: 99 = turn weakness into a new career (possibly through “Dancing with the Stars”)
Richard: 100 = explode
Nic: 101 = ask out [girl Nic likes]
Richard: Did you give her flowers?
Nic: No. But I focused all my magical power into making her love me.
Richard: How did that go?
Nic: She asked if I was constipated.
Concern = step 1
Richard: Step 2 = pull doorknob out of butt.
Nic: Step 3 = stop crying
Richard: Step 4 = seek help to stop crying
Nic: Step 5 = learn to live with crying
Richard: Step 6 = pick up sticks
Nic: Step 7 = go to heaven
Richard: Step 8 = don’t be late
Nic: Step 9 = go blind
Richard: Step 10 = stop masturbating in hopes of regaining sight… like a big fat hen
Nic: Step 11 = go to heaven
Richard: Step 12 = kill the elves
Nic: Step 13 = die alone
Richard: Step 14 = find crayons
Nic: Step 15 = eat crayons in an attempt to make myself beautiful on the inside
Richard: Step 16 = contract colitis (not to be confused with IBS)
Nic: Step 17 = tell everyone you have IBS
Richard: Step 18 = bleed from anus
Nic: Step 19 = “YAAAYYY!!” continue dancing.
Richard: Step 20 = bleed profusely from anus
Nic: Step 21 = repeat step 19
Richard: Step 22 = shine your shoes
Nic: Step 23 = drink pee
Richard: Step 24 = pee pee
Nic: Step 25 = become angry
Richard: Step 26 = express anger by crying
Nic: Step 27 = become angry with emotions.
Richard: Step 28 = surprise robot attack!!!
Nic: Step 29 = buy a robot costume and act casual
Richard: Step 30 = cry robot tears
Nic: Step 31 = learn to cry in binary
Richard: Step 32 = kill humans
Nic: Step 33 = give up on love
Richard: Step 34 = manufacture synthetic love
Nic: Step 35 = sell it at inflated prices
Richard: Step 36 = feel left out and try to buy back synthetic love
Nic: Step 37 = be disappointed it didn’t live up to the hype
Richard: Step 38 = regurgitate
Nic: Step 39 = become an alcoholic
Richard: Step 40 = start band
Nic: Step 41 = WIN!
Richard: Step 42 = become insecure about WIN!
Nic: Step 43 = question everything you ever believed
Richard: Step 44 = WIN AGAIN!!
Nic: Step 45 = realize you peaked early in life.
Richard: Step 46 = try to kill self but fail b/c of robot suit
Nic: Step 47 = buy a dog
Richard: Step 48 = name dog
Nic: Step 49 = turn dog into a robot
Richard: Step 50 = spend every day in fear that robot dog will turn into evil robot dog
Nic: Step 51 = surgically extract emotions to eliminate fear
Richard: Step 52 = manufacture synthetic emotions
Nic: Step 53 = sell at inflated prices
Richard: Step 54 = feel left out and try to buy back synthetic emotions
Nic: Step 55 = fail to buy back synthetic emotions
Richard: Step 56 = pick up more sticks
Nic: Step 57 = put them in a jar with the surgically removed emotions
Richard: Step 58 = shake jar vigorously
Nic: Step 59 = use
Richard: Step 60 = endure intervention to get help
Nic: Step 61 = go to rehab
Richard: Step 62 = remove jar from anus
Nic: Step 63 = bleed from anus
Richard: Step 64 = “YAAAYYY!!” continue dancing.
Nic: Step 65 = go to hospital
Richard: Step 66 = ask to speak with God
Nic: Step 67 = get rejected
Richard: Step 68 = put money in collection tray
Nic: Step 69 = get accepted
Richard: Step 70 = start fake college
Nic: Step 71 = get reported for fraud
Richard: Step 72 = make movie about it
Nic: Step 73 = learn an important life lesson
Richard: 74 = write and market book about important life lesson
Nic: 75 = dedicate book to Jesus
Richard: 76 = petition to ban book
Nic: 77 = start book burning club
Richard: 78 = read letter from publisher stating they print everything on flame-retardant products
Nic: 79 = laugh at the word retardant
Richard: 80 = pee pants a little while laughing
Nic: 81 = ignore pee and make degrading comments about gay retarded ants
Richard: 82 = receive call from civil rights activists regarding comments about gay retarded ants
Nic: 83 = ignore call from civil rights activists regarding comments about gay retarded ants.
Richard: 84 = receive letter from civil rights activists inviting me to join their anti-gay retarded ants club.
Nic: 85= send death threats to anti-gay retarded ants club
Richard: 86 = run outside to catch ice cream truck
Nic: 87 = knock little kids out of the way
Richard: 88 = jump on kids who fall
Nic: 89 = remember what happiness is
Richard: 90 = document ways to prevent others from acquiring happiness
Nic: 91 = come up with a cool super-villain name
Richard: 92 = hire spandex expert to design costume
Nic: 93= start work on doomsday device
Richard: 94 = hire dumb but adorable mouse for sidekick
Nic: 95 = name him Pinky
Richard: 96 = write theme song
Nic: 97 = wire costume for sound in order to play theme song constantly
Richard: 98 = discover weakness for dancing during battle
Nic: 99 = turn weakness into a new career (possibly through “Dancing with the Stars”)
Richard: 100 = explode
Nic: 101 = ask out [girl Nic likes]
May 20, 2009
Insecure Shoes
Richard: ...Then I took him out to my car, made him sit in the passenger seat, and I smashed his face into the dash.
Nic: I just booked you on Oprah.
Richard: Sweet. Maybe they’ll let us play a song.
Nic: Maybe they'll hate it
Richard: Maybe that will help us.
Nic: Maybe it will hurt us.
Richard: Maybe we can blog about it.
Nic: Maybe they will hate that.
Richard: Maybe we'll slap some hoes.
Nic: Maybe I'll fall in love with a unicorn.
Richard: Faggot!
Nic: I SAID MAYBE!!!
Richard: I didn't.
Nic: Your self-assured certainty hurts my post-modern insecurities.
Crap... you're going to call me a faggot again aren't you...
Richard: All in due time.
[5 hours later, Nic is standing in the parking lot talking to [co-worker]. Richard gets in his car and drives by yelling out the car window]
Richard: Nice shoes FAGGOT!!!
Nic: I just booked you on Oprah.
Richard: Sweet. Maybe they’ll let us play a song.
Nic: Maybe they'll hate it
Richard: Maybe that will help us.
Nic: Maybe it will hurt us.
Richard: Maybe we can blog about it.
Nic: Maybe they will hate that.
Richard: Maybe we'll slap some hoes.
Nic: Maybe I'll fall in love with a unicorn.
Richard: Faggot!
Nic: I SAID MAYBE!!!
Richard: I didn't.
Nic: Your self-assured certainty hurts my post-modern insecurities.
Crap... you're going to call me a faggot again aren't you...
Richard: All in due time.
[5 hours later, Nic is standing in the parking lot talking to [co-worker]. Richard gets in his car and drives by yelling out the car window]
Richard: Nice shoes FAGGOT!!!
May 19, 2009
He Meant Oprah
Nic: [co-worker] and [coworker] are talking about the easiest routes to get to the stadium for the game. I asked if they have tried teleportation…
Apparently that didn’t warrant a response.
Richard: They’re upset they didn’t think of it. Not that they didn’t think of it first, but simply that they didn’t think of it at all.
Nic: It’s the simplest solutions that people seem to miss.
Richard: Like bashing your woman’s face into the dash of your car in public.
Nic: Or apologizing on Opera for it.
Richard: Like with Pavarotti?
Nic: Oh I don’t know, I’m not really into pasta.
Richard: Well, let me tell you what I’ve been hearing…. Pasta’s way into you.
Nic: I know. And I’m starting to feel smothered. I mean I can only take so much cheesiness.
Richard: Maybe it wouldn’t be so bad if you’d stop storing it in your orifices.
Nic: Where the hell else am I supposed to put it???
Richard: It’s not that there are better places, you just need to clean it out and stop letting it build up.
Nic: It's affecting my love life.
Richard: No it's not.
Apparently that didn’t warrant a response.
Richard: They’re upset they didn’t think of it. Not that they didn’t think of it first, but simply that they didn’t think of it at all.
Nic: It’s the simplest solutions that people seem to miss.
Richard: Like bashing your woman’s face into the dash of your car in public.
Nic: Or apologizing on Opera for it.
Richard: Like with Pavarotti?
Nic: Oh I don’t know, I’m not really into pasta.
Richard: Well, let me tell you what I’ve been hearing…. Pasta’s way into you.
Nic: I know. And I’m starting to feel smothered. I mean I can only take so much cheesiness.
Richard: Maybe it wouldn’t be so bad if you’d stop storing it in your orifices.
Nic: Where the hell else am I supposed to put it???
Richard: It’s not that there are better places, you just need to clean it out and stop letting it build up.
Nic: It's affecting my love life.
Richard: No it's not.
May 18, 2009
Black X-ray Vision Sunglasses
Nic: He had to be high.
Richard: For someone high, he wasn't very friendly.
Nic: Yeah, that's why I don't think it was marijuana.
Richard: Who takes drugs that turn you into a dick?
Nic: Lots of people
Richard: It was a trick question.
Nic: I see through your tricks.
Richard: Much like I view your soul.
Nic: What soul?
Richard: Exactly.
Richard: For someone high, he wasn't very friendly.
Nic: Yeah, that's why I don't think it was marijuana.
Richard: Who takes drugs that turn you into a dick?
Nic: Lots of people
Richard: It was a trick question.
Nic: I see through your tricks.
Richard: Much like I view your soul.
Nic: What soul?
Richard: Exactly.
May 15, 2009
Inexorable Inquiry #15
Realistically speaking, will a zombie ever have a shot at becoming President of the United States?
Pots
Nic: I have two big pots.
Richard: Is that a euphemism?
Nic: No.
Richard: Why not?
Nic: Because then it would be a lie.
Richard: Is that a euphemism?
Nic: No.
Richard: Why not?
Nic: Because then it would be a lie.
May 14, 2009
Grease Monkey
The Scene: Richard has been cooking deer steak and didn't shower before attending a presentation. He walks in late and grabs a seat beside Nic.
Nic: Did you just come from Long John Silver's?
Richard: No, I just finished cooking deer steaks.
Nic: I could tell.
Richard: Then why did you ask if I just came from Long John Silver's?
Nic: Did you just come from Long John Silver's?
Richard: No, I just finished cooking deer steaks.
Nic: I could tell.
Richard: Then why did you ask if I just came from Long John Silver's?
May 13, 2009
Numerology
The Scene: Richard, Nic, and two of their friends go to a restaurant. One friend stays outside to finish smoking.
Hostess: How many?
Richard: Four.
Hostess: Are you sure? Let's try this again. [She points to one of us and begins counting] One... two...
Richard: Four!
I'm so bad at this.
Friend: What's going on?
Nic: Richard can't count.
Richard: I told you people would notice.
[Other friend dies of lung cancer.]
May 12, 2009
It Comes with Age
The Scene: Nic, Richard, and a friend are walking in Wal-mart. Nic is wearing brown pants and a white t-shirt. Richard is wearing jeans with holes in them and an old T-shirt. Friend is wearing jeans a black shirt and a checkered tie. When an old lady in a wheel chair stops in front of them.
Old Lady: Excuse me is the Night manager around?
[Nic, Richard, and Friend look at each other confused]
Old Lady: Do you guys work here?
Nic: No. We're REGULAR depressed people.
Old Lady: Excuse me is the Night manager around?
[Nic, Richard, and Friend look at each other confused]
Old Lady: Do you guys work here?
Nic: No. We're REGULAR depressed people.
May 11, 2009
Imaginations Drive Wild
The Scene: Richard and Nic are at work. Richard is looking at an address on Google street view. He's looking for something specific further down the road so he's clicking the forward button on the street over and over again. Nic sees Richard doing this and wheels his chair beside him. He looks over Richard's shoulder.
Nic: Vroom, Vroom, Vroom, schreeeeeech, vroom.
Richard: [sighs in frustration as he continues to click] This really isn't going very fast.
Nic: Vrooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooom, Vroooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooom, Putt, Putt....Putt, Vrooooooooooooooooooooooom
May 8, 2009
Fashionable Dining
The Scene: Richard walks into the break room near the end of his lunch hour to eat an orange he brought.
Richard: Taking a late lunch?
Nic: Yeah, it's almost over.
Richard: Mine too. I have to squeeze my orange in...
No pun intended.
Nic: You know there was a pun intended.
Richard: Yeah, but I'm just not sure in what fashion.
Nic: You mean in what orifice?
Richard: Taking a late lunch?
Nic: Yeah, it's almost over.
Richard: Mine too. I have to squeeze my orange in...
No pun intended.
Nic: You know there was a pun intended.
Richard: Yeah, but I'm just not sure in what fashion.
Nic: You mean in what orifice?
May 7, 2009
Pie-face
The Scene: A co-worker brought pie to work to share and Richard is preparing a slice to take home.
Nic: You taking that home to your friend?
Richard: What friend? This one? [Holds up right hand.]
Nic: You taking that home to your friend?
Richard: What friend? This one? [Holds up right hand.]
May 6, 2009
Confirmation
Richard: Where'd you go?
Nic: I've been in my apartment all morning.
Richard: Are you sure? I thought I saw you and spoke to you this morning.
Nic: I'd like to know how that went since I wasn't there.
Richard: I know it was you. Five other people confirmed it. And three of them were God.
Nic: I've been in my apartment all morning.
Richard: Are you sure? I thought I saw you and spoke to you this morning.
Nic: I'd like to know how that went since I wasn't there.
Richard: I know it was you. Five other people confirmed it. And three of them were God.
May 5, 2009
Inedible Frustrations
Nic: Word to your face, HOMIE!
Richard: Why do you have to bring attention to it?
Nic: HOW CAN I AVOID IT!?!
Richard: Perfect Pony Potions.
Nic: It does remind me of a certain pony body part. I'm glad you've noticed, too. I felt akward bringing it up.
Richard: *Throws arms in the air and screams in frustration.*
*Catches arms.*
Nic: Wait... what did you catch your arms with?
Richard: ...Teeth...?
Nic: How tiny are your arms?
Richard: That's for me to know and you to find out.
Nic: *Nervous swallow.*
Richard: Oh crap! Where'd my arms go?
Nic: They were in my mouth the whole time?
This is getting weird and gross. Like freak-me-out gross.
Richard: Don't worry, it's not real.
Nic: Then why do I feel like I’m getting punched from inside my stomach? And what happens later when I have to make bears?
Richard: Uh Oh.
May 4, 2009
Malfunction ISP
Richard: Let's blog about it!
Nic: I already did.
Richard: I'll go approve it.
Nic: The blog just has [friends name] (noun.) then a bunch of curse words and indecent comments about transsexuals.
Richard: Indecent?!?! That's a bit harsh
Nic: I regret it...
Richard: I haven't told any one yet.
Nic: I already forwarded it to everyone with a Gmail account. I also sent it to everyone on AOL but that was only five people so it doesn't count.
Richard: They probably don't count themselves. I bet [coworker] uses AOL.
*snicker snicker*
Nic: *snicker snicker, SNORT*
Richard: *blip bleep blorp* oops...
Nic: I already did.
Richard: I'll go approve it.
Nic: The blog just has [friends name] (noun.) then a bunch of curse words and indecent comments about transsexuals.
Richard: Indecent?!?! That's a bit harsh
Nic: I regret it...
Richard: I haven't told any one yet.
Nic: I already forwarded it to everyone with a Gmail account. I also sent it to everyone on AOL but that was only five people so it doesn't count.
Richard: They probably don't count themselves. I bet [coworker] uses AOL.
*snicker snicker*
Nic: *snicker snicker, SNORT*
Richard: *blip bleep blorp* oops...
May 1, 2009
Poor, Poor Little Billy
Nic: By the way, on the trip with Annie I had my MP3 player on random and every now and then a really good song would play and I would turn up the music to listen to it. At one point Doombringer comes on so I crank it. Afterward she says “I liked that. Who was it?”
Richard: Who was it?
Richard: Who was it?
Nic: "Poop Shoot and the Scoopers"
Richard: Oh yeah? They played at my parents wedding.
Nic: They played at my Bar-Mitzvahs.
Richard: Which one?
Nic: The one that failed?
Richard: Ouch. How can you still listen to them?
Nic: It's wasn't their fault. Science is to blame...
...and, my Aunt Mildred...
Poor little Billy, he was never the same after that.
Richard: Wait... did they... *gasp* ...Billy?!
Nic: I'm surprised you don't remember. You were there the day they took him away. You remember how despondent he was.
Richard: I blacked that day out.
Nic: It was a dark day for all of us.
Apr 30, 2009
Language Barriers
Richard: Joka'
Nic: I don't understand...
Richard: Joka'!!!
Nic: I don't understand, but more urgently!!!
Richard: [sulks in defeat and speaks in a small, whiny voice] Joker. I was saying joker.
Apr 29, 2009
Nerves Are the Pits
The Scene: At church, Nic and Richard are in a small group sitting in a circle. Nic is sitting in between a girl he doesn't know and Richard.
Preacher: Everyone hold hands with the people in your group.
[Richard turns to the girl beside him and reaches for both of her hands, while Nic reaches out his right hand to the middle of the circle. The girl stares blankly at Richard and he quickly turns back. Everyone stares blankly at Nic and he pulls his hand back.]
Girl: [Giggles and whispers to Nic] Aaannd break, go team!
[Nic chuckles then proceeds to hold her hand and Richard's hand as per heterosexual instructions.]
Preacher: [Politely makes demands of God] ...in Jesus name, Amen.
[Nic leans over to the girl next to him and speaks loud enough for the group to hear.]
Nic: Sorry my hand was so sweaty.
Girl: Oh no, it--
Nic: If it makes you feel better, it's from my armpit.
Richard: What?
Preacher: Everyone hold hands with the people in your group.
[Richard turns to the girl beside him and reaches for both of her hands, while Nic reaches out his right hand to the middle of the circle. The girl stares blankly at Richard and he quickly turns back. Everyone stares blankly at Nic and he pulls his hand back.]
Girl: [Giggles and whispers to Nic] Aaannd break, go team!
[Nic chuckles then proceeds to hold her hand and Richard's hand as per heterosexual instructions.]
Preacher: [Politely makes demands of God] ...in Jesus name, Amen.
[Nic leans over to the girl next to him and speaks loud enough for the group to hear.]
Nic: Sorry my hand was so sweaty.
Girl: Oh no, it--
Nic: If it makes you feel better, it's from my armpit.
Richard: What?
Apr 28, 2009
Huge Birds
Richard: So bad news... I accidentally grabbed a clown suit this morning instead of the suit I'm supposed to wear. I'm so embarrassed... well, someone will be.
Nic: Are you sure people will notice a difference?
Richard: Did I mention this clown suit actually looks like a giant middle finger?
Nic: How is that different than the suit you planned on wearing? Wait... is it a giant middle finger or a giant penis?
Richard: Regardless of the similarities, Nic, I'm fairly certain I can distinguish between giant middle fingers and giant penises. For one, giant penises are always black.
Nic: Are you sure people will notice a difference?
Richard: Did I mention this clown suit actually looks like a giant middle finger?
Nic: How is that different than the suit you planned on wearing? Wait... is it a giant middle finger or a giant penis?
Richard: Regardless of the similarities, Nic, I'm fairly certain I can distinguish between giant middle fingers and giant penises. For one, giant penises are always black.
Apr 27, 2009
Introducing... Inexorable Inquiries
We Like Hugs is proud to announce a new edition to our site. In response to the positive response to our site, we're responding with a new way to respond with responses. In addition to daily posts in the life of Nic and Richard, we will now be providing a daily question for honest ponder. We realize our followers have opinions of their own and would like to provide a platform in which we can ignore them all equally. So brace yourself for a new direction and don't hold back.
Inexorable Inquiry #1:
If your sphincter could talk (you know which one), what would it say?
How Posts Are Born
[The following conversation is actual spoken dialog.]
The Scene: Nic and Richard are sitting in their kitchen. There is a lull in the conversation.
Richard: Point!
Nic: Counterpoint!
Richard: Rebuttal!
Nic: Something funny!
Richard: Mock Nic!
Nic: Something funnier!
Richard: Mock Nic more!
Nic: Clever twist!
Richard: Post blog!
Nic: Emptiness and disappointment...
Richard: Pity...
Nic: Mock Richard, "I tricked you!"
Richard: Surprise!
Nic: Edit post!
The Scene: Nic and Richard are sitting in their kitchen. There is a lull in the conversation.
Richard: Point!
Nic: Counterpoint!
Richard: Rebuttal!
Nic: Something funny!
Richard: Mock Nic!
Nic: Something funnier!
Richard: Mock Nic more!
Nic: Clever twist!
Richard: Post blog!
Nic: Emptiness and disappointment...
Richard: Pity...
Nic: Mock Richard, "I tricked you!"
Richard: Surprise!
Nic: Edit post!
Apr 24, 2009
Reverse Psychology
Richard: Why have you been so quiet all day?
Nic: Just trying to get some attention.
Nic: Just trying to get some attention.
Apr 23, 2009
Compelling 101
Preacher: There are 5 ways to compel people!
[Nic turns to Richard as Richard turns to Nic]
Nic: Hypno-
Richard: Rohypnol
Nic: Dang it... that totally beats hypnosis.
Friend: Did Richard say blow jobs?
Richard: Well, we know what three of them are.
[Nic turns to Richard as Richard turns to Nic]
Nic: Hypno-
Richard: Rohypnol
Nic: Dang it... that totally beats hypnosis.
Friend: Did Richard say blow jobs?
Richard: Well, we know what three of them are.
Apr 22, 2009
Cultural Orgasm
Preacher: Dear Lord, heavenly Father. We ask you today to remind us of your presence in our lives. That you are striving to reach to us constantly. Help remember that it was you, God, who sent the first Twitter.
Guy in the back: Mmmmm
Preacher: That you, Lord, were the first blogger. The original facebooker who sent His Son to make the first super poke in history.
Guy in the back: Mmmm yeah.
Preacher: As we go through life we must remember that this isn't MySpace, it's God's space.
Guy in the back: Yes! mmmhhmmm
Preacher: Help to remind us, Lord, that when we are out cruisin' the internet, to take a break and read one of God's posts on the message board of The Bible.
Guy in the back: Oh, YES!
Preacher: It's in your most holy name that we pray, Amen.
Richard: Well, that was culturally relevant.
Nic: The guy in the back getting a blow job?
Guy in the back: Mmmmm
Preacher: That you, Lord, were the first blogger. The original facebooker who sent His Son to make the first super poke in history.
Guy in the back: Mmmm yeah.
Preacher: As we go through life we must remember that this isn't MySpace, it's God's space.
Guy in the back: Yes! mmmhhmmm
Preacher: Help to remind us, Lord, that when we are out cruisin' the internet, to take a break and read one of God's posts on the message board of The Bible.
Guy in the back: Oh, YES!
Preacher: It's in your most holy name that we pray, Amen.
Richard: Well, that was culturally relevant.
Nic: The guy in the back getting a blow job?
Apr 21, 2009
What Love Means to a Woman
The Scene: Working at a video rental store.
Richard: Uh oh... there's a girl coming over here... what do I do?
Nic: Wow, she's really cute too. You go help her check out and I'll check in these movies.
[Richard proceeds to help her check out. Towards the end of the transaction she looks over at Nic.]
Customer: I really like your hair.
Nic: Thanks, I grow it myself.
Customer: I bet you get a lot of girls because of your hair.
Nic: Umm.... no... not at all.
Customer: Oh, really. I'm only with my boyfriend because of his hair.
Nic: Poor bastard...
[She leaves without saying another word]
Richard: Well that went well...
Richard: Uh oh... there's a girl coming over here... what do I do?
Nic: Wow, she's really cute too. You go help her check out and I'll check in these movies.
[Richard proceeds to help her check out. Towards the end of the transaction she looks over at Nic.]
Customer: I really like your hair.
Nic: Thanks, I grow it myself.
Customer: I bet you get a lot of girls because of your hair.
Nic: Umm.... no... not at all.
Customer: Oh, really. I'm only with my boyfriend because of his hair.
Nic: Poor bastard...
[She leaves without saying another word]
Richard: Well that went well...
Apr 20, 2009
Apr 17, 2009
Occupied
Co-worker: Hey guys.
Nic: Hey.
Richard: Hey.
Co-worker: What are you doing?
Nic: Nothing.
Richard: Nothing.
Co-worker: Haha
Richard: It's too bad that won't translate on the blog.
Nic: We could just do it anyway.
Nic: Hey.
Richard: Hey.
Co-worker: What are you doing?
Nic: Nothing.
Richard: Nothing.
Co-worker: Haha
Richard: It's too bad that won't translate on the blog.
Nic: We could just do it anyway.
Apr 16, 2009
Yellow Tape
Nic: Grow a pair of balls and just do it.
Richard: But balls can be so uncomfortable and get in the way.
Nic: Make some balls out of Play-Doh.
Richard: I love the smell of Play-Doh!
Nic: I'm always tempted to eat it.
Richard: There is a line. Please don't cross it again.
Richard: But balls can be so uncomfortable and get in the way.
Nic: Make some balls out of Play-Doh.
Richard: I love the smell of Play-Doh!
Nic: I'm always tempted to eat it.
Richard: There is a line. Please don't cross it again.
Apr 15, 2009
Taco Tango
The Scene: Standing outside Taco Bell
Richard: Well let's go in and see if I can squeeze out some Tacos.
Nic: Sorry, I totally wasn't thinking about food when you said that.
Richard: Well let's go in and see if I can squeeze out some Tacos.
Nic: Sorry, I totally wasn't thinking about food when you said that.
Apr 14, 2009
Paper Hats
Richard: Did you hear [co-worker] say "Yesterday I felt like crap..... it was because of that" and point to his paper hat on the shelf above his desk?
Nic: Is it cursed?
Richard: I don't know but I'm a little concerned about mine now.
Nic: I think it's only his... but I'd sleep with one eye open.
Richard: What should I do with the other eye?
Nic: Eye patch
Richard: That'll work.
Nic: Is it cursed?
Richard: I don't know but I'm a little concerned about mine now.
Nic: I think it's only his... but I'd sleep with one eye open.
Richard: What should I do with the other eye?
Nic: Eye patch
Richard: That'll work.
Apr 13, 2009
Wayward Thoughts
The Scene: Nic, Richard, and Friend are eating dinner after class.
Friend: [discussing his ideas of how the class went, what could have been better, etc.]
What do you think Nic?
Nic: Oh dude, I'm sorry, I was totally thinking about dinosaurs just then, what?
Richard: Weird, I was thinking about dragons.
Nic: Wow... You ARE weird.
Friend: [discussing his ideas of how the class went, what could have been better, etc.]
What do you think Nic?
Nic: Oh dude, I'm sorry, I was totally thinking about dinosaurs just then, what?
Richard: Weird, I was thinking about dragons.
Nic: Wow... You ARE weird.
Apr 10, 2009
The Slow Elevator
[Nic and Richard get on an elevator heading down from the 28th floor. The elevator stops on the 25th floor, a man gets on and stares at his feet.]
Man: How are you guys?
Richard: Pretty well.
Nic: Fine, how are you?
Man: Oh I'm pretty good. Think I'm coming down with a cold.
Richard: That sucks, hope you get to feeling better.
Nic: Yeah, I had one of those last week, sucks man, sorry.
[There is a short pause after which the man looks up and stares directly into Nic's eyes.]
Man: So, what... you just like... grow out your beard?
Richard: Well, that and his arms.
Nic: Well, I mean...I have to water it sometimes.
[Man looks back down at his feet and we go the rest of the way to the lobby in silence. We get off and the man walks the opposite direction.]
Richard: I can't believe you lied to him about having a cold.
Man: How are you guys?
Richard: Pretty well.
Nic: Fine, how are you?
Man: Oh I'm pretty good. Think I'm coming down with a cold.
Richard: That sucks, hope you get to feeling better.
Nic: Yeah, I had one of those last week, sucks man, sorry.
[There is a short pause after which the man looks up and stares directly into Nic's eyes.]
Man: So, what... you just like... grow out your beard?
Richard: Well, that and his arms.
Nic: Well, I mean...I have to water it sometimes.
[Man looks back down at his feet and we go the rest of the way to the lobby in silence. We get off and the man walks the opposite direction.]
Richard: I can't believe you lied to him about having a cold.
Apr 9, 2009
Magic Numbers
Nic: So I've been reading this book called Kryon. In it Kryon says that he knows a very important formula for the transmutation of energy.
Are you ready for it?
"9944"
Richard: "9945"
Nic: No...that number has nothing to do with the transmutation of energy.
Richard: "9946"
Nic: You ruin magic!
Richard: "9947"
Nic: "9948"
Richard: "4499"
Nic: D*** you!!!
Are you ready for it?
"9944"
Richard: "9945"
Nic: No...that number has nothing to do with the transmutation of energy.
Richard: "9946"
Nic: You ruin magic!
Richard: "9947"
Nic: "9948"
Richard: "4499"
Nic: D*** you!!!
Apr 8, 2009
Formulaic Success
Nic: I can't make it this weekend.
Richard: Looks like my Friday night just freed up.
Co-worker: We gonna pick up chicks then?
Richard: We can try.
Co-worker: No, we will succeed.
Richard: I don't know. I'm pretty darn good at quitting.
Richard: Looks like my Friday night just freed up.
Co-worker: We gonna pick up chicks then?
Richard: We can try.
Co-worker: No, we will succeed.
Richard: I don't know. I'm pretty darn good at quitting.
Apr 7, 2009
Rated "G" No Adults without Child Supervision.
Richard: Got any plans this weekend?
Nic: Not really. I just rented "Horton Hears a Who." I'll probably watch that this weekend.
Co-Worker: [disgusted] I can't believe you are going to watch that movie!
Richard: Is it not very good?
Co-Worker: I don't know! I didn't watch it!
Nic: Why not?
Co-Worker: It's for kids! It's inappropriate!
Nic: Inappropriate?!? What the hell do you do when you watch movies?
Nic: Not really. I just rented "Horton Hears a Who." I'll probably watch that this weekend.
Co-Worker: [disgusted] I can't believe you are going to watch that movie!
Richard: Is it not very good?
Co-Worker: I don't know! I didn't watch it!
Nic: Why not?
Co-Worker: It's for kids! It's inappropriate!
Nic: Inappropriate?!? What the hell do you do when you watch movies?
Apr 6, 2009
Sitting Failure
The Scene: Richard is in the break room at work peeling an orange over the trashcan as Nic enters.
Nic: Why don't you have a seat?
Richard: In the trash can?
Nic: Turn it over first.
Richard: Oh... yeah... that would make more sense.
Nic: Why don't you have a seat?
Richard: In the trash can?
Nic: Turn it over first.
Richard: Oh... yeah... that would make more sense.
Apr 3, 2009
Don't Talk to Strangers, part 2
The Scene: Richard and Nic went to the movies with two girls, one of their boyfriends, and his friend. They have not previously met either of these guys. After the movies they all go to a coffee shop. Nic sits down with his cookies and milk to join in the conversation. Richard sits at the table next to everyone with crayons and a coloring book.
Idiot 1: Yeah, now I use this protein powder. It's totally beefed me up. My bench has increased by 40 lbs.
Idiot 2: Man, I've been using that protein powder, too, but I take it with [pill]. It's awesome, check it out. [flexes muscle]
Idiot 1: Whoa man, that's nice. Yeah, I used to inject that ****. What are you benching nowadays?
Idiot 2: [Insert ridiculous lie]
Nic: I have to inject estrogen into my heart to stay mortal.
[Richard stops coloring and looks up, suddenly interested in the conversation.]
Idiot 2: Yeah, I can tell by your huge pussy. [points at Nic's crotch]
[Nic's eyes get really wide. Pure amazement and wonder show on his face.]
Nic: Whoa! [Pill] gives you X-ray vision too?
[Richard goes back to coloring.]
Idiot 1: Yeah, now I use this protein powder. It's totally beefed me up. My bench has increased by 40 lbs.
Idiot 2: Man, I've been using that protein powder, too, but I take it with [pill]. It's awesome, check it out. [flexes muscle]
Idiot 1: Whoa man, that's nice. Yeah, I used to inject that ****. What are you benching nowadays?
Idiot 2: [Insert ridiculous lie]
Nic: I have to inject estrogen into my heart to stay mortal.
[Richard stops coloring and looks up, suddenly interested in the conversation.]
Idiot 2: Yeah, I can tell by your huge pussy. [points at Nic's crotch]
[Nic's eyes get really wide. Pure amazement and wonder show on his face.]
Nic: Whoa! [Pill] gives you X-ray vision too?
[Richard goes back to coloring.]
Apr 2, 2009
Easily Amused
Nic: Hah, She just said boobies.
Richard: She said movies...
Nic: No, she said boobies, and it was much appreciated.
Richard: Either way, I'd watch.
Richard: She said movies...
Nic: No, she said boobies, and it was much appreciated.
Richard: Either way, I'd watch.
Apr 1, 2009
Raising Awareness
Unlike the barbarians populating the rest of this planet, We Like Hugs takes the first of April very seriously. Most see this day as a day to let loose, relax, and have fun, but We Like Hugs sees it as an unavoidable opportunity. In the midst of endless jokes and pranks, that which is serious stands far taller and speaks much louder than on any other day. The obligation to utilize this advantageous anniversary is undeniable and irresistible. Therefore, We Like Hugs would like to use this open door to raise awareness of the depressing realization that women aren't funny. Thus, We Like Hugs invites our community to indulge us in what can be done about it or simply to join in our expression of concern. While a discussion is in line here, do not limit yourself. Don't be afraid to spread awareness out from this site. Together we can make a difference.
Mar 31, 2009
Don't Talk to Strangers, part 1
The Scene: Richard and Nic went to the movies with two girls, one of their boyfriends, and his friend. We had not previously met either of these guys. We walk out of the movie theater and immediately the two college guys with us start yelling at some high school kids driving by in their truck. They do this because, "one of them gave me a look." The truck stops and the high school kids get out. A yelling fight ensues about who will beat up whom.
While this is happening Richard, Nic, and the girls decide they should go to a coffee shop. Richard and Nic don't know the way so they must follow the girls. They walk to Richard's car and drive to the front of the theater. The yelling match continues with no clear end in sight. Richard and Nic wait bored out of their minds. Nic makes a big show of eating his popcorn.
Idiot: You really want to start **** with us? We got two more college kids in this car. We will kick your *****!!!
[Richard rolls down the car window, waves at the high school kids and yells in a sweet almost melodic voice.]
Richard: We won't hurt you!
While this is happening Richard, Nic, and the girls decide they should go to a coffee shop. Richard and Nic don't know the way so they must follow the girls. They walk to Richard's car and drive to the front of the theater. The yelling match continues with no clear end in sight. Richard and Nic wait bored out of their minds. Nic makes a big show of eating his popcorn.
Idiot: You really want to start **** with us? We got two more college kids in this car. We will kick your *****!!!
[Richard rolls down the car window, waves at the high school kids and yells in a sweet almost melodic voice.]
Richard: We won't hurt you!
Mar 30, 2009
The Sinner Saint
Co-worker: Because I'm a saint!
Nic: Prove it.
Co-Worker: Ask anyone in the office, they'll tell you.
Nic: No they won't. Not because you're not a nice guy, but because saint is such a strong word. It's reserved for people like Mother Teresa.
Richard: And her son.
Nic: She doesn't have a son.
Richard: You sure about that? [points at Co-worker]
Nic: [wide-eyed] What did you do to Mother Teresa???
Co-worker: Excuse me???
Nic: Only God has the power to excuse you now!
Nic: Prove it.
Co-Worker: Ask anyone in the office, they'll tell you.
Nic: No they won't. Not because you're not a nice guy, but because saint is such a strong word. It's reserved for people like Mother Teresa.
Richard: And her son.
Nic: She doesn't have a son.
Richard: You sure about that? [points at Co-worker]
Nic: [wide-eyed] What did you do to Mother Teresa???
Co-worker: Excuse me???
Nic: Only God has the power to excuse you now!
Mar 27, 2009
The Void that Sucketh
Nic: So we have 16 posts, then like 12 drafts that are approved by both of us. Pretty soon we'll have our first month done.
Richard: Feel accomplished at all?
Nic: Is accomplishment sort of a hollow feeling?
Richard: Yeah but with those sucky fish on the inside, like on the walls of fish tanks, ensuring emptiness is maintained.
Nic: Then yes, I always feel accomplished.
Sometimes accomplishment makes me cry myself to sleep
[pause]
....sucky fish suck
Richard: suck suck suck suck suck suck suck suck suck suck suck suck suck suck suck suck suck suck suck suck suck suck suck suck suck suck suck suck suck suck suck suck suck suck suck.
Nic: I know that game... but I'm not falling for it again. Sure, it's starts off suck suck suck, but it always ends kill kill kill.
Richard: kill kill kill kill kill kill kill kill kill kill kill kill kill
Nic: [Sigh]... Well... I guess I better get busy transferring this to our blog...
Richard: You haven't already?
Richard: Feel accomplished at all?
Nic: Is accomplishment sort of a hollow feeling?
Richard: Yeah but with those sucky fish on the inside, like on the walls of fish tanks, ensuring emptiness is maintained.
Nic: Then yes, I always feel accomplished.
Sometimes accomplishment makes me cry myself to sleep
[pause]
....sucky fish suck
Richard: suck suck suck suck suck suck suck suck suck suck suck suck suck suck suck suck suck suck suck suck suck suck suck suck suck suck suck suck suck suck suck suck suck suck suck.
Nic: I know that game... but I'm not falling for it again. Sure, it's starts off suck suck suck, but it always ends kill kill kill.
Richard: kill kill kill kill kill kill kill kill kill kill kill kill kill
Nic: [Sigh]... Well... I guess I better get busy transferring this to our blog...
Richard: You haven't already?
Mar 25, 2009
Always Be Prepared
Nic: Question:
When I'm not around you, do you feel empty?
Like life is meaningless and that there's no point to going on?
Richard: Why?
Nic: I'm asking everyone.
Richard: Why?
Nic: I'm making a list in order of preference of whose bunker I should live in after the Zombie Apocalypse.
So far you're at the bottom.
When I'm not around you, do you feel empty?
Like life is meaningless and that there's no point to going on?
Richard: Why?
Nic: I'm asking everyone.
Richard: Why?
Nic: I'm making a list in order of preference of whose bunker I should live in after the Zombie Apocalypse.
So far you're at the bottom.
Befriending the Like-minded
The Scene: Richard and Nic are sitting in class separated by a girl sitting in between them. Richard tears a piece of paper and begins writing. Nic tries to hide his interest.
Richard: [Writes on the scrap paper] Dear girl... Hello, my name is Richard.
Girl: [Reads note and smiles while Nic tries to peek]
Richard: [Picks the paper back up and writes again] Would you like to be my friend?
Girl: [Reads note and writes response] Yes! My name is Tara.
Richard: [Emits obvious exhale of relief and writes response] I hate Nic.
Girl: [Giggles and writes response as Nic has more difficulty hiding his interest] Me too. Shhh!
Richard: [Reads note and writes response] Let's kill him.
Richard: [Writes on the scrap paper] Dear girl... Hello, my name is Richard.
Girl: [Reads note and smiles while Nic tries to peek]
Richard: [Picks the paper back up and writes again] Would you like to be my friend?
Girl: [Reads note and writes response] Yes! My name is Tara.
Richard: [Emits obvious exhale of relief and writes response] I hate Nic.
Girl: [Giggles and writes response as Nic has more difficulty hiding his interest] Me too. Shhh!
Richard: [Reads note and writes response] Let's kill him.
Mar 24, 2009
Three Cheers for Genetics
Nic: Inaction = giving up
Friend: True.
Nic: I win!
Friend: What's with you and Richard "winning" all the time?
Nic: We're just really good at it.
Friend: But, what gives you the right always to win?
Nic: Genetics.
Friend: True.
Nic: I win!
Friend: What's with you and Richard "winning" all the time?
Nic: We're just really good at it.
Friend: But, what gives you the right always to win?
Nic: Genetics.
Mar 23, 2009
Relationship Drama
Nic: So, did you make out with Brian's friend?
Richard: No, but I made it clear to her that I'm funnier than him.
Richard: No, but I made it clear to her that I'm funnier than him.
Mar 20, 2009
Dodging Friends and Making Bullets
Richard: [Girl] is asking for your screen name. I haven't told her I'm telling you, so this is your chance to opt out.
Nic: umm...
I guess that's one more person to talk to throughout the day
Richard: Is that a go?
Nic: It's a hesitant go.
Richard: I'll give you a minute to think it over.
Nic: Well, what do you think, Richard? You know us both. Am I going to enjoy talking to her or will she be annoying?
Richard: I think she's pretty laid back to chat with. She doesn't require you to chat.
Nic: Okay. Do it.
Richard: Plus, she likes to laugh which is nice.
Nic: Mostly cause I'm not interested in turning down prospective friends.
I'm leaving work in 15 minutes, so I'll accept her invite just before I leave so as to postpone the awkwardness of her suddenly being on my chat.
...Not because I hate women and want them to die.
[Several minutes later]
Richard: So funny story...
She was asking for [Friend]'s email.
Nic: Thank God!
Richard: And Jesus.
Nic: Definitely don't give Him my e-mail.
Nic: umm...
I guess that's one more person to talk to throughout the day
Richard: Is that a go?
Nic: It's a hesitant go.
Richard: I'll give you a minute to think it over.
Nic: Well, what do you think, Richard? You know us both. Am I going to enjoy talking to her or will she be annoying?
Richard: I think she's pretty laid back to chat with. She doesn't require you to chat.
Nic: Okay. Do it.
Richard: Plus, she likes to laugh which is nice.
Nic: Mostly cause I'm not interested in turning down prospective friends.
I'm leaving work in 15 minutes, so I'll accept her invite just before I leave so as to postpone the awkwardness of her suddenly being on my chat.
...Not because I hate women and want them to die.
[Several minutes later]
Richard: So funny story...
She was asking for [Friend]'s email.
Nic: Thank God!
Richard: And Jesus.
Nic: Definitely don't give Him my e-mail.
Mar 19, 2009
It May Be Hereditary
The Scene: One of Richard and Nic's friends is playing a show at a local coffee house. They go with some friends to hear him perform. He plays a ukulele for much of the show.
Richard: His guitar is so small.
Nic: I heard he was born with it like that.
Richard: [Richard turns and looks directly at Nic and speaks in a stern tone] Where's your God now?
Richard: His guitar is so small.
Nic: I heard he was born with it like that.
Richard: [Richard turns and looks directly at Nic and speaks in a stern tone] Where's your God now?
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